How to make your golden years shine E
Take control and look forward to a long and happy future together
Growing older can be challenging, but it can also be an exciting new chapter in your life. There is a lot to navigate – from early retirement and the prospect of spending more time with your spouse to the pressures of failing health and the burden of caring for grandchildren.
“Couples who reach retirement age together have a very specific set of challenges,” says psychologist Emma Kenny.
“They are facing a loss of identity after giving up work, often a shift in family roles when the children leave home and there can be a lacklustre approach to the relationship they’ve been in for years, which leads to a loss of passion.
“There are a lot of big issues colliding at once. We see a lot of couples in their 50s or 60s in therapy, who are seriously considering leaving their relationships.”
In fact, divorce is on the rise among the over-50s, according to recent statistics.
Here, Emma gives her advice on how to strengthen your relationship and deal with the challenges of growing older together.
RETIREMENT
A lot of marriages break down after retirement. We lose the identity that comes with work so are faced with finding a new one.
Try to find some similar interests, which you can cultivate together. This will bring new friendships and make your relationship feel fresh.
But you also need to develop separate new interests. Push yourself out of your comfort zone – it will be energising and will boost your relationship.
When pursuing new interests you will feel sexy, sassy and clever – and that sparks interest both in yourself and your partner.
HEALTH CRISES
When you’re older and become vulnerable through ill health, it can lead to a crisis of confidence. Relying on your partner can make you feel inadequate. This is a heavy emotional experience to deal with. First of all, tend to the issue as a couple. If it’s a heart problem, make sure you’re eating the right foods. If it’s diabetes, lose weight. Use a health scare as a motivating experience. When you take a terrible situation and reframe it, it’s empowering. If one of you becomes a carer, remember the person being cared for is not their illness – they are still the person you always loved. You can give them the one part of their life that isn’t sickness-related – the relationship you always had.
GRANDCHILDREN
Many older couples are tasked with caring for their grandchildren while their children work.
It can mean you put your partner’s needs and your own needs on the backburner.
One of the best ways to counteract exhaustion is scrupulous scheduling. Support each other to have time apart – a lie-in is worth its weight in gold, so let your partner stay in bed for two hours on a Saturday and then swap over on a Sunday. Sharing chores and divvying up household
tasks helps to create a happy, harmonious home.
MONEY WORRIES
If there's one thing that puts pressure on a relationship, it's financial anxiety.
It's the most contentious problem at any stage in life - and leads to more divorces than a lack of sex.
Be strategic. Investigate spending apps that help you keep on top of outgoings. If just one person is in charge of finances, it often doesn't work.
So ensure that both people take equal responsibility for your finances. Agree an amount you can spend every month and a sum you can put aside for treats, such as nice holidays.
Work as a team to come up with an appropriate schedule for your funds.
EMPTY-NEST SYNDROME
When children leave home it can be a critical time. Suddenly couples think they’ve got nothing to talk about. But you’ve just forgotten how to talk to each other about each other.
When we first get into a relationship, we spend hours talking about ourselves and learning about the other person – and it can be intoxicating.
Recreate that by taking at least 20 minutes each day to reconnect.
Talk about how you feel and what’s going on in your life.
Most couples soon remember what they loved about each other in the beginning.
WEIGHT GAIN
If you’ve gained weight you’re likely to feel less attractive and it can affect your sex life.
It’s time to take action. During retirement or when you’re working reduced hours can be the perfect time to devote energy to getting fit and healthy. It will improve your sex drive, make you feel desirable and mean you will still be around for the kids you’ve waved off from home. There are many examples of 70-year-olds doing marathons together. Be each other’s personal trainer, cheerleader and motivator. Together, you can make massive changes to your health and wellbeing.
LOSS OF EXCITEMENT
This is often a complaint of older couples who have been together for years, but it doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. If you no longer
Find hobbies that you both enjoy find your bedroom activities as exciting as they were, try a nonintimate massage.
It helps bring back closeness without any pressure. Role play is also a great way to bring the fun back into a relationship.
And it’s good to remember you’re never too old to find new hobbies.
Hunt out people in your age group who are doing the things you enjoy.
Find activities to make you feel scared. When you feel scared, it revitalises your courage level and reminds you that you’re vital as a human being and you feel excited.
When you feel excited, it makes you feel younger, happier and healthier.
EMMA KENNY ON ISSUES FACED BY OLDER COUPLES