Alternative TV
Tired of watching the same old Willy Wonky shows? This Christmas, we preview some brand new productions that may be coming your way…
Room to Improve Xmas Special
“Right Mrs B, I’m off to the North Pole!” says the man with the plans. “Some chap called Mr Claus needs my help.”
“But there is no sanity clause,” retorts Mrs B, only for her words to float into the ether, as her husband is already halfway up the M50.
Not since Daniel O’donnell went pine-free has Dermot Bannon faced such a massive celebrity challenge. The brief is brief but unusual: an extension for all the new toys, an outbuilding for reindeer and a walk-in wardrobe for Mrs Claus.
“This is colder than my attic conversion,” says Dermot when he finally reaches his destination, having lost his luggage and his Quantity Surveyor en route. “And who are all these little people?”
They are in fact elves on zero hour contracts, who regard the interloper with suspicion, something the bould
Dermot is well used to. Before long the project is six months behind schedule, with the reindeer looking for kickbacks, the elves on a wildcat strike. Mrs Claus has locked herself in her wardrobe. “It’s coming, like
Christmas,” quips Dermot when asked by an increasingly addled Mr
Claus for a finish date.
“Oh-oh-oh!” says Santa.
“Ho-ho-ho!” says Dermot.
It’s A Wonderful Life (Or Is It?)
Brexit is coming (or is it?) and the little border town of Bedlam is giddy with anticipation and cheap booze. Times are good with the banks back, the cat’s fat and bonuses for everyone. In her gilded mansion, Lady Backstop is doing a little dance, high on sherry and singing of the return of boom times on the border.
Down south in the Free State, things are in a state of high anxiety with
Leo the Last having locked himself into his cabinet, looking for a tune but unable to find the right key. Across the water, the beleaguered British PM is doing the soft-shoe shuffle, swapping partners and sides with gay abandon. “You know, every time that bell rings, another MP takes wing,” says Lord Nonesuch at the end of another session.
In this tale of nothing’s agreed until everything’s agreed, no end is in sight. Next Christmas, the sequel: The Desolation of the Smug.
Mrs Brown’s Toys
With Santa on strike, it’s Mrs Brown to the rescue. Falling down the chimney, knickers first, naturally, the lady who puts the broad into comedy is visiting every home in the land with her unique brand of comedy/tragedy.
“Have you been naughty or nice?” asks the be-whiskered one of a wide-eyed child.
“Nice?” suggests the wee ’un.
“Wrong answer,” says Mrs Brown who promptly whips back the gaily wrapped parcel and shoves it back in her sack (Oooer!) before carrying on his (we’re not sure either) merry way.
This Christmas, you just can’t miss Mrs Brown’s Toys (it’s on Christmas Day, St Stephen’s Day and on the hour every hour after that) which promises to be bigger than any other toy show. Watch out too for special guest appearances from Twink, the baby Jesus and a man (we’re guessing) dressed as a sheep.