Almost Nationwide
In the near future, a new TV show will become the most watched of all, a mirror of what is going on. Almost Nationwide will be all things to all people and then some
Another Brick in the Wall
We are somewhere in the Deep South. Under a leaden sky, two men are building a wall. The camera zooms in. A microphone pops up.
“We are building a wall,” says the smaller of the two men.
“To keep the crows out,” adds the other, who looks at his companion uncertainly. “Or maybe it’s to keep the crows in. We haven’t decided yet. We’ll see when we are nished. As they say, it’s a work in progress.”
Ever since the Great Wall of 2016, walls have been all the rage and sales of Lego have gone through the roof (also made of Lego). Almost Nationwide taps into this craze with an award-winning segment that poses the existential question ‘ When is a wall not a wall?’ As no one was able to answer the question, the theme is likely to be revisited every season until they run out of stones. Or as the show’s PR put it: ‘ Watch this space until there is isn’t any!’
Ireland’s Dirtiest Town
By 2024, one of the most coveted prizes in Ireland is the Golden Dustbin, a gong for the filthiest urban space in the country. Having long given up on getting within an ass’s roar of its greenhouse gas emission targets, the much-loved national contest evolved from the quaint notion of Tidiest Town to Least Dirty Town before nally going for broke with Ireland’s Dirtiest Town. The various categories include ‘Muckiest Metropolis’, ‘ Vandalised Village’ and ‘Is That My Toilet?’ Every year, the gong-giving is celebrated with a blizzard of confetti falling on last year’s confetti as the band bang out Dirty Old Town and Almost Nationwide records the trash talking. There are also spot prizes for most inventive recycling of chewing gum and ‘ Where do I put this sweet wrapper now that we have no dustbins?’
The Broadband Question
At the end of 2030, most of the country will have high-speed broadband apart from a man living in a bucket on the edge of Connemara. Using two tin cans and a piece of baler twine to communicate with the rest of the world, the old man’s fame has spread far and wide, so when broadband does come along he is loathe to embrace it. “Sure the world is coming to me now,” he says not unwisely. Almost Nationwide is there to record the moment when the Minister for Posts and Holograms drops by to announce that the missing link is nally being connected. It does not go to plan. “Get out of that!” says the great-greatgreat grandson of Christy Mahon and so Ireland’s Great Broadband Hole (GBH) is never lled. This piece of lm will become the most -watched clip on Reeling in the Decades.
Donal O’Donoghue