The four phases of forgiveness:

1

The Uncovering Phase. During the first phase of forgiveness, you will improve your understanding of the injustice, and how it has impacted your life. Use a journal and answer these questions to begin exploring. Describe the injustices you have endured – what happened? Why was this treatment unfair? How has the injustice affected you? Did this injustice cause you painful emotions, change your behaviour (e.g. avoiding new relationships), practical costs (e.g. time or money); changed world view, rumination or cognitive rehearsal (recurring thoughts about injustice), physical harm (e.g. injuries from abuse). 2

The Decision Phase. During the second phase, you will gain a deeper understanding of what forgiveness is and make the decision to choose or reject forgiveness as an option. Without looking at a definition, how would you describe forgiveness? Many people struggle with the decision to forgive because they know that they have the right to be angry, while the offender does not have the right to kindness. Making the decision to forgive means letting go of these resentments, which you have every right to hold, so you can heal. What are the pros and cons of deciding to forgive the person who wronged you? Whether or not you’ve made the decision to forgive, describe how things might be different if you decide to do so. 3

The Work Phase. During the third phase, you will start to understand the transgressor in a new way, which will allow positive feelings towards both them and yourself. Learning to understand the offender, and to see them as more than their wrongdoing, is an important part of forgiveness. However, it must be stressed that understanding does not mean condoning. One can understand another person without believing their actions are acceptable. Respond to one of the following suggestions: What was life like for the offender as they grew up? May this have impacted their behaviour? What was life like for the transgressor at the time of the offence? 4

The Deepening Phase. During the final phase of forgiveness, your challenge is to further decrease the negative emotions associated with the injustice. You may find meaning in the experiences, and recognise ways in which you have grown as a result. How have you benefited by forgiving the offender? Consider how forgiveness has affected your emotional and physical health, ways you have changed your behaviour that resulted from the injustice, and time/energy spent thinking about the offender.

I said forgiveness was tricky! Forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees your from corrosive and toxic anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognise the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.