Dr Eddie Murphy Coping with grief

Many of us in psychology are concerned about what could be called ‘disruptive grief’ associated with the pandemic. When someone we care about dies, there is no right or wrong way to grieve as everyone reacts differently to such a loss. Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, shock, pain are typical, as are changes in appetite, sleep patterns and so on.

Culture & loss

I lived in the UK for 12 years and I saw at first-hand how bereavement is different there. In Ireland, culture and religious tradition have created an expectation that when someone dies, there will be a series of rituals that allow us to say goodbye to the deceased, but also to share memories and feelings with others; and to support the family as a community. This includes the wake, funeral mass, cremation or burial ceremony, the gathering afterwards and for many, the month’s mind. These rituals allow us to process our grief by paying our respects and cherishing our memories of the person with others who cared for them. It is also a time when those who may not have known the deceased, but care for the bereaved, come to offer support.

Grief in lockdown

During the pandemic, we are unable to engage in the usual rituals of shared grief. This can leave us feeling at an even greater loss. I am very conscious that as I write this my mother is grieving the loss of a dear friend in Waterford. She would like to attend the funeral, but can’t. Nevertheless, we still need to work through our grief.

Other rituals may allow us to memorialise loved ones, supporting ourselves and each other in different ways, finding new ways of reaching out.

Learning to live with loss

• Allowing yourself to feel your feelings is an important part of grief. Be kind to yourself – give yourself the compassion you would show to a friend.

• Maintain your routines if you can. Stick to regular wake up and bed times. Keep to regular mealtimes even if these are light meals. Grief is hard on the body so aim to keep well.

• Try not to become isolated with your grief. This is especially important now. Sharing your feelings and allowing yourself to receive support by phone, text, email or social media can all help.

• Use video calls to ‘see’ people. Your family and friends will want to support you.

• At home, be yourself with family members. Check in with your children and help them see that expressing sadness is OK and can be different for different people.

• Engage in your own rituals for your loved ones, be that by planting in the garden, artwork, writing or prayer. This will help you and your family. Be patient with yourself; your aim is not to recover from loss but to learn to live with loss and this takes time.

Support the bereaved

Keep in touch by whatever means works best for you – just let the person know that you are available and that you know that grief in this time is especially hard. Offer practical help with shopping, technology support or post, ask what the person might need. Be aware that the person may need space or may want to express anger. There is no more powerful expression of support than listening.