5: THE REZONER

Sunday Independent (Ireland) - Life - - HOME TRUTHS -

“Hello, Dublin City Coun­cil Zon­ing of­fice.”

“Oh, hello, I’d like to re­port a prob­lem with my ad­dress.” “Let me guess. You live in Sandy­mount.” “Ranelagh. My feck­ing ee­jit of a hus­band got his le­gal firm into the tri­bunal racket too late to af­ford a house by the sea.”

“Sorry for your troubles. So, you would like me to re­zone your house over to Dublin 8.” “How do you know that?” “We’re swamped with calls from D4 and D6 since the Gov­ern­ment an­nounced a value-based prop­erty tax. You’re ac­tu­ally quite rea­son­able. I just had a guy on from Don­ny­brook in­sist­ing that he lives in Fin­glas South. Be­fore that, a woman from Balls­bridge burst into tears when I pointed out that she would have to come to terms with the fact she lives in Dublin 4. And some guy with a town­house on Lee­son Street said he’d buy me a car if I could put him down for Fairview.”

“Are you in­sin­u­at­ing that I want to move post­code, lower the value of my house, and pay less tax?” “I am.” “Surely you are not se­ri­ously sug­gest­ing that a so­lic­i­tor could get in­volved in a prop­erty-re­lated scam?”

“You’re one hell of a funny lady. What makes you think you live in Dublin 8?”

“Paul had to can­cel one of his ski­ing trips, my BMW X5 is two years old and I’m down to two nan­nies.” “You’ll have to do bet­ter than that.” “My el­dest son wants to play for the Dubs.” “Ouch. Sorry though, but I can’t help.” “Is there a politi­cian I can bribe?” “I’ll send you out the list. Just make sure the bribe doesn’t go pub­lic — the last thing we need in this coun­try is an­other tri­bunal.”

“That’s what you think.”

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