ON THE HORNS OF A DILEMMA
As LIFE’s top writers take a bite out of some new sacred cows (see page 10), Pat Fitzpatrick takes a look at our relationship with all things bovine
Did you know that cows kill more than 20 people every year in the US? That doesn't include the many Americans who head down to Randy's Steakhouse for the 12lb Super-Mega Awesome burger and never come home. You can see why cows might be angry. A certain type of human has decided that eating a huge steak is an achievement. That certain type of human is often called Hank. He likes to wear a T-shirt to say he passed Randy's Mega-Steak Challenge. The T-shirt comes in two sizes: XXXXL and Shroud.
DON’T MILK IT
How come you never see Irish fellas drinking milk in public anymore? Remember back when Mick Dunne would go into the dressing room after the All-Ireland, and the players would be lashing into pint bottles of the good stuff ? These days, Marty Morrissey goes in and they're tweeting, ‘In Coppers later, girls, wearing too much deodorant#upfortheride?’ Followed by, ‘Must remember to act decent for Marty#mammywatching.’
There was a time when wealth was measured in cows. That time was the 1990s in Ireland. A fella with a herd of 40 cattle could easily attract a Kate Moss lookalike, even though he had a face like a horse's arse. It led to the most used phrase in rural Ireland. “Jesus, what's she doing with him?” “Virtually everything — as long as he has a bath beforehand, is what I've heard.” Rural Ireland. Always up with the latest bit of sca.
Q1. How do you like your steak? A: Nuked. Go away out of that, you stupid bogman. The next thing you'll be asking for egg mayonnaise. B: Well Done. What are you, a million years old? C: Medium-Rare. That's like admitting that you own a fondue set. D: Rare. Meh. E: I have been known to take a bite out of a live cow. Dude, you are so cool.
LOAD OF GUFF
We all know that global warming is a trick played on us by hippies who are jealous of our gorgeous big cars. The truth is that global warming is caused by farting cows. The key here is to implement a smoking ban. After all, that is what stopped Average Irish Man from farting in pubs. Well, that and his girlfriend standing next to him shouting, “Jesus, Declan! I'd know that smell anywhere. That's you sleeping on the couch tonight.” Poor Declan.