ON THE HORNS OF A DILEMMA

As LIFE’s top writ­ers take a bite out of some new sa­cred cows (see page 10), Pat Fitz­patrick takes a look at our re­la­tion­ship with all things bovine

Sunday Independent (Ireland) - Life - - SHUTTERBUG -

1

BURGER KINGS

Did you know that cows kill more than 20 peo­ple ev­ery year in the US? That doesn't in­clude the many Amer­i­cans who head down to Randy's Steak­house for the 12lb Su­per-Mega Awe­some burger and never come home. You can see why cows might be an­gry. A cer­tain type of hu­man has de­cided that eat­ing a huge steak is an achieve­ment. That cer­tain type of hu­man is of­ten called Hank. He likes to wear a T-shirt to say he passed Randy's Mega-Steak Chal­lenge. The T-shirt comes in two sizes: XXXXL and Shroud.

2

3

DON’T MILK IT

How come you never see Ir­ish fel­las drink­ing milk in pub­lic any­more? Re­mem­ber back when Mick Dunne would go into the dress­ing room af­ter the All-Ire­land, and the play­ers would be lash­ing into pint bot­tles of the good stuff ? Th­ese days, Marty Mor­ris­sey goes in and they're tweet­ing, ‘In Cop­pers later, girls, wear­ing too much de­odor­ant#up­fortheride?’ Fol­lowed by, ‘Must re­mem­ber to act de­cent for Marty#mam­my­watch­ing.’

CAT­TLE CLASS

There was a time when wealth was mea­sured in cows. That time was the 1990s in Ire­land. A fella with a herd of 40 cat­tle could eas­ily at­tract a Kate Moss looka­like, even though he had a face like a horse's arse. It led to the most used phrase in ru­ral Ire­land. “Je­sus, what's she do­ing with him?” “Vir­tu­ally ev­ery­thing — as long as he has a bath be­fore­hand, is what I've heard.” Ru­ral Ire­land. Al­ways up with the lat­est bit of sca.

4

Q1. How do you like your steak? A: Nuked. Go away out of that, you stupid bog­man. The next thing you'll be ask­ing for egg may­on­naise. B: Well Done. What are you, a mil­lion years old? C: Medium-Rare. That's like ad­mit­ting that you own a fon­due set. D: Rare. Meh. E: I have been known to take a bite out of a live cow. Dude, you are so cool.

5

LOAD OF GUFF

We all know that global warm­ing is a trick played on us by hip­pies who are jeal­ous of our gor­geous big cars. The truth is that global warm­ing is caused by fart­ing cows. The key here is to im­ple­ment a smok­ing ban. Af­ter all, that is what stopped Av­er­age Ir­ish Man from fart­ing in pubs. Well, that and his girl­friend stand­ing next to him shout­ing, “Je­sus, De­clan! I'd know that smell any­where. That's you sleep­ing on the couch tonight.” Poor De­clan.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Ireland

© PressReader. All rights reserved.