Sunday Independent (Ireland) - Life - - WORLD EXCLUSIVE -

The right car says, ‘I’m young and sexy’. The wrong one says, ‘Did any­one see my false teeth?’, then falls asleep in front of the TV. If you want to see which one to buy, take a look at the mar­ket­ing. There are ba­si­cally two types of car ads. The first one in­volves a car with a Ger­man reg, driv­ing along an empty clifftop road in Greece. The an­gry lo­cals protest­ing at their Ger­man over­lords are just out of shot. The cliff, the empty road, driv­ing to­wards the set­ting sun — all this can mean only one thing. You are com­ing up to re­tire­ment and no­body wants to have sex with you. You have been warned.

The other type of car ad is the one for you. A car drives through the empty busi­ness dis­trict of a medium-sized Eu­ro­pean city, late at night. That’s it. This is ob­vi­ously what the ad­ver­tis­ing in­dus­try reck­ons it means to be young to­day. Maybe it is sup­posed to re­flect the fu­tile search for a well-pay­ing job. We might never know. The point is, young peo­ple will buy this car be­cause the ad told them to. So you should buy one too.

There is only one thing left to choose. The colour. You’ve prob­a­bly no­ticed a lot of new cars are white these days. (A lot of them are ex­pen­sive 4x4s. Quick, sell your house.) A word to the wise on the white-car front. Don’t buy one. We’ve checked, and there’s no way you’ll be able to re­sist say­ing, “It’s grand, you ac­tu­ally don’t need to wash it too of­ten.” There’s only one word for that. And it isn’t young.

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