The right car says, ‘I’m young and sexy’. The wrong one says, ‘Did anyone see my false teeth?’, then falls asleep in front of the TV. If you want to see which one to buy, take a look at the marketing. There are basically two types of car ads. The first one involves a car with a German reg, driving along an empty clifftop road in Greece. The angry locals protesting at their German overlords are just out of shot. The cliff, the empty road, driving towards the setting sun — all this can mean only one thing. You are coming up to retirement and nobody wants to have sex with you. You have been warned.
The other type of car ad is the one for you. A car drives through the empty business district of a medium-sized European city, late at night. That’s it. This is obviously what the advertising industry reckons it means to be young today. Maybe it is supposed to reflect the futile search for a well-paying job. We might never know. The point is, young people will buy this car because the ad told them to. So you should buy one too.
There is only one thing left to choose. The colour. You’ve probably noticed a lot of new cars are white these days. (A lot of them are expensive 4x4s. Quick, sell your house.) A word to the wise on the white-car front. Don’t buy one. We’ve checked, and there’s no way you’ll be able to resist saying, “It’s grand, you actually don’t need to wash it too often.” There’s only one word for that. And it isn’t young.