He’s re­ally bor­ing — there has to be more to a mar­riage than this

Sunday Independent (Ireland) - Living - - MARY O’CONOR -

My hus­band is re­ally bor­ing. The only thing he can do is watch TV or use his phone when he’s home. Some­times he turns off the TV and puts his phone down to try to make me happy, but he can’t con­nect to the world.

I try to talk to him but he is re­ally ig­no­rant which drives me crazy.

We have been mar­ried for six years. All the hus­bands I see rush to meet their wives and kids but he will just come home and ei­ther watch the TV or be on his phone. He doesn’t even bother to come in and check if I am OK.

When I try to talk to him he starts to pre­tend he is tired and sleepy — he starts to yawn and closes his eyes, pre­tend­ing to fall asleep. I know that he must be re­ally bored with me.

We had an ar­ranged mar­riage but since day one I have been try­ing to find the com­pan­ion­ship which should be the essence of a beau­ti­ful re­la­tion­ship.

I am so tired of be­ing in a re­la­tion­ship which is only pro­vid­ing food and shel­ter. There are lots of times when I think of leav­ing him but we have two chil­dren and so I can’t re­ally.

He is good with the kids but he can’t be good to me. He is not a bad per­son but keeps him­self alone. He doesn’t like to so­cialise, he doesn’t like to talk to his par­ents, he doesn’t talk to any of his friends and only uses text mes­sages for com­mu­ni­ca­tion.

I don’t know what I am do­ing with some­body who doesn’t seem to need me and is good on his own. I’m shar­ing a re­la­tion­ship with this man, even if I don’t want to, but I feel I should be­cause he is my hus­band. Help!

AARRANGED mar­riages are more com­mon in other parts of the world such as In­dia, Africa and the Mid­dle East. I have very lit­tle ex­pe­ri­ence of work­ing with cou­ples in an ar­ranged mar­riage, and those that I have met were hav­ing pretty suc­cess­ful mar­riages but had en­coun­tered sex­ual dif­fi­cul­ties.

As I un­der­stand it, some­times the prob­lem with ar­ranged mar­riages is that fam­i­lies will put two in­di­vid­u­als to­gether be­cause the fam­i­lies are friendly with each other and will dis­re­gard whether the cou­ple will be suit­able for each other.

Ob­vi­ously, if a lot of thought goes into pair­ing a cou­ple then their mar­riage will have a much bet­ter chance of sur­vival.

In­ter­est­ingly, a fairly re­cent study showed that the global di­vorce rate for ar­ranged mar­riages was just 6pc, which is very low.

You don’t say what hap­pened in your par­tic­u­lar case and whether in fact much thought went into en­sur­ing that you would get on to­gether. But from what you say both of you sound pretty mis­er­able.

Your hus­band ap­pears to be quite a loner with his only sav­ing grace be­ing that he is good with the chil­dren. It must be no fun for him to come home, switch on the TV and his phone and have vir­tu­ally no in­ter­ac­tion with any­body other than the chil­dren.

Most wives who are at home with the chil­dren will look for­ward to their hus­band com­ing home — some adult com­pany and con­ver­sa­tion is very wel­come at the end of a long day. But this does not hap­pen for you so at a very ba­sic level your needs are not be­ing met.

At the cen­tre of your house­hold are two small chil­dren, who so far have not been given a very good tem­plate for mar­riage. They see no in­ter­ac­tion be­tween their par­ents and cer­tainly no love be­tween them. For this rea­son, and for many oth­ers as well, it is im­per­a­tive that you seek help in the form of coun­selling.

Even if you were ul­ti­mately to leave the mar­riage — and that is al­ways an op­tion for you — you would want to prove to your­self and to ev­ery­body else that you gave it your best in try­ing to make it bet­ter.

So ex­plain to your hus­band that you are re­ally un­happy in the mar­riage and that things can­not con­tinue like this. Tell him that you feel the re­la­tion­ship needs coun­selling as oth­er­wise you will be con­sid­er­ing end­ing the mar­riage.

He also needs an op­por­tu­nity to tell you how he feels things are be­tween you.

He also may need to speak to his GP as he is show­ing some signs of de­pres­sion. Ul­ti­mately it may be that your hus­band is un­will­ing or un­able to change but that is some­thing that will be­come much clearer to you when you seek help.

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