I found her ex-boyfriend’s num­ber on her phone — now I want her out

Sunday Independent (Ireland) - Living - - MARY O’CONOR -

I have just found out that my part­ner has been in con­tact with a for­mer boyfriend for the past 10 years. I came across this by chance, while look­ing for a num­ber on her phone.

She was in the shower, when I be­lieve she sud­denly re­alised that be­cause I had her phone, I would see his name and num­ber. So she pan­icked and came rush­ing out of the shower, soak­ing wet, and grabbed the phone from me.

I had al­ready seen his name and num­ber, and told her that I had. She would not speak then, but came back a few days later and told me she had deleted it.

I asked her why she had deleted the num­ber, and told her that if in her heart of hearts she wanted to con­tact him, she should con­tact him.

I know she is afraid I will go and find some­one else. She is now try­ing to say that I was imag­in­ing it. I have tried to talk to her, and it was only when I said I wanted an­swers and told her to leave, that she de­clared undy­ing love for me. She has her own house but still wants to stay with me.

I now know I am not go­ing to get the full truth from her and I want her to go as I don’t trust her any more.

I know my own make-up and I won’t let this go, I feel be­trayed and an­gry. I now feel like a bully be­cause I have said to her she has to go, in no un­cer­tain terms, al­though she has re­fused to budge. I can see my­self get­ting her stuff to­gether and putting her out.

She is in com­plete de­nial. I know it’s over be­tween us now as this con­tact has been go­ing on for a long time. I want it to end.

AI agree with you that 10 years is a very long time for her to have been in con­tact with her ex. I don’t know how of­ten the con­tacts were and you don’t tell me if she has phys­i­cally met up with him, or if the con­tact has been only by text or phone calls.

I think that we are all en­ti­tled to speak with our friends, even those with whom we were once ro­man­ti­cally in­volved, pro­vid­ing there is no longer any emo­tional or sex­ual in­volve­ment.

I am pre­sum­ing that this guy has moved on with his life, just as your soonto-be ex girl­friend has moved on with hers.

Her big mis­take, of course, was not to tell you that they were still friends and that they had on­go­ing con­ver­sa­tions. Be­cause she didn’t do this, and be­cause she acted so guiltily when she rushed to get her phone back, you now feel be­trayed. And be­cause you know your­self and your re­ac­tions to cer­tain sit­u­a­tions so well, you can­not see your­self let­ting go of this.

If, how­ever, there was more to it and she was see­ing him be­hind your back, then you are quite jus­ti­fied in fin­ish­ing with her and if you want it to end then so be it.

Even if you have to be like a bailiff evict­ing her, you seem to be de­ter­mined to fin­ish this re­la­tion­ship. But be­fore you do, please ask your­self if you are re­ally jus­ti­fied in do­ing so. If she was hav­ing just a friend­ship with her ex, then you can be ac­cused of over­re­act­ing.

Think about what life would be like for you with­out her, and if you don’t like what you see in the fu­ture, then per­haps you should re­con­sider. You could also sug­gest tak­ing a break where you would both be free to see other peo­ple and then meet up to see how things have been dur­ing that time for you both. I am just try­ing to stop you from do­ing any­thing that you might later re­gret.

So in sum­mary, if she was see­ing him with­out telling you then go ahead and end things. If, how­ever, it was purely tele­phone con­tact, then I feel you should think again. You can con­tact Mary O’conor anony­mously by vis­it­ing www.dear­mary.ie or email her at dear­[email protected]­de­pen­dent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Tal­bot St, Dublin 1. All cor­re­spon­dence will be treated in con­fi­dence. Mary O’conor re­grets that she is un­able to an­swer any ques­tions pri­vately

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