My depressing life of empty dreams

QI’M a 47- year- old woman, full of disappointment, and lacking purpose. I suppose ‘ unfulfilled’ is a word I could use. I’m afraid I might become bitter, and I opt at times to live in a little ‘ dream world’ to escape from my humdrum reality.

I never had the courage nor confidence to leave home and expose myself to all kinds of experiences — and my home situation was loving, gentle and kind. I had a tendency to be anxious, didn’t challenge myself for fear of failing, didn’t trust myself. In fact, deep down, I didn’t really like myself from as far back as I can remember. I had no ambition — only ‘notions’, maybe — and was a bit too laidback. So while I daydreamed about the idea of challenge, and having my own place, spreading my wings and maybe even finding a loving relationship with a man, I never gathered up enough determination to do it.

I am in a place that feels very sad. I don’t want to become bitter, or hard, but feel so displeased with myself that I’m depressed. As a consequence, I feel that if I don’t deal with this, I will become more bitter and harsh with myself — and, sadly, with others.

Now time has moved on, and even from a practical, emotional and financial point of view, my dreams seem more overwhelming, more difficult to achieve. However, I continue to go round in circles, fantasising about the possibilities of change and challenge, but then panicking and changing tack. Except that maybe now I’m trying to accept myself as I am — a bit of a failure with no strength of character, but still managing to enjoy some of the simple things of life and yes, getting into a panic, exhausting myself, and giving up too easily yet again.

Is there anything you can recommend I do to find a bit of peace within myself? Something that wouldallow me to just relax and find the courage to take all the ‘should dos’ on the chin and accept that this is where I am and I could be so much worse off. But there is another side of me that knows I could do more with myself. I do so wish I was different.

AI THINK most of us have two people battling away inside. There’s the one we are, and the one we’d like to be. That happens right across the board. We’d like our hair straight, or curly, depending on what we haven’t got. We’d like privacy, or to be out there on stage, whichever is the place we are not. We crave peace and excitement, companionship and time alone, career achievement and lots of leisure — it’s the way we are.

When we’re flying, we call this ambition. When we’re low, we dislike ourselves for not being different. And all the time, high or low, we call it dreaming. I think it is dreaming. As we move through life, we like the feeling that doors are potentially open, change can happen, we have choices. Dreaming, if you like, is the opposite of victim status. It’s about notions of personal power as opposed to resignation, or powerlessness.

It’s important to understand this nature of dreams. Otherwise, we get depressed — or perhaps even worse, cynical and bitter. Dreams aren’t necessarily there to be realised, but are to maintain optimism. They are an ongoing flirtation with life. They represent a stubborn refusal to accept limitations. In the process, they feed our courage to carry off the ordinary, everyday challenges we all face.

Equally, it’s important to acknowledge who we really are. That person was, and is, a choice too. We can’t get so lost in our dreams that we despise who we are. That’s wrong. You had powerful emotional reasons for being the person you were. Just as you have powerful emotional — and practical — reasons for being who you are now. Certainly, we should follow our dreams, or realise our ambitions, where and when we can. But we can’t let beautiful dreams rob us ofour self-respect. That’s a misuse of our ability to dream.

You are thoughtful, kind, good, sensitive, intelligent, civilised and reflective. Doesn’t that add up to something rather wonderful?

You say that, deep down, you always disliked yourself. Maybe it would be helpful if you rephrased that. You were at war with yourself. But instead of accepting that as the way life is, you disliked a part of yourself. The sad thing is, you disliked the part of you which was actually stronger, the one which won out — namely, the careful person who stayed put. But she’s the one who is this thoughtful, kind, good, sensitive, intelligent, civilised and reflective human being we’ve just been talking about. So isn’t it possible that you were wrong to dislike her so much?

You say your upbringing was gentle and kind, and I’m sure you’re right. It was also, undoubtedly, conducive to being timid, or lacking in adventure, however this was achieved. And you adapted. That doesn’t make you a failure, or someone who is lacking in character. Quite the contrary. Like most people, you live a life of quietheroism. Wouldn’t it be nice to salute that, rather than putting yourself down?

Let me give you three tasks. Banish that bad voice which says you’ve failed. Systematically tune it out. Practise kindness when judging yourself, and forgiveness for what you feel you got wrong. Why would you be harsh? You wouldn’t be with others. Third, pick a simple wish — nothing extravagant, that would be setting yourself up for failure — and make it come true. It doesn’t matter if you end up hating it, or never want to do it again. Just go and do it, once. And if you want to, let me know how you get on.