CELEBRITY DUST-UPS

As Josh Eels talks to Miley Cyrus (see page 14), who recently had a public run-in with Sinead O’Connor, our Pat Fitzpatrick looks at other showbiz spats

1 TWINK AND LINDA

Things went sour when Linda overheard Twink bad-mouthing her. She said it was a two-hour rant full of a four-letter word beginning with ‘c’. Maybe Linda didn’t quite catch what Twink was saying. Maybe Twink was jealous of her cult following. Could it be that Linda was a little curt? Maybe not. The c-word is the single worst thing you can say about someone in Ireland. It sounds particularly harsh in a Dublin accent. Let’s face it, nobody wants to be known as a culchie.

2 SHARON OSBOURNE AND DANNII MINOGUE

Sharon said that

X-Factor in 2007 with Dannii was unbearable, intolerable and an odious chore. “Sounds like the current series,” says you. Only messing. How could we ever tire of desperate attention-seekers trying to forge a career in showbiz? Anyway, enough about the judges. Anyone who has tuned out doesn’t know what they are missing on this year’s X-Factor. (“Simon,” says you, turning over to

Strictly Come Dancing.)

3 BRIAN MCFADDEN AND KERRY KATONA

This was a very unusual celebrity spat. A lot of people wondered if there was a way they could both lose. Kerry was fired by Iceland in 2009 for alleged cocaine use. Gag writers around the world wasted four trillion comedy hours trying to come up with a joke that linked supermarkets, drugs and small, bankrupt countries in the north Atlantic. Nada. Zilch. So here is one we heard earlier. What is the capital of Iceland? €5. We’re here all week.

4 CHERYL COLE AND CHER LLOYD

Cheryl was upset when Cher suggested that her mentor used the Auto-Tune on X-Factor to enhance her live performance. Which begs the question — why didn’t they use the Auto-Tune when Cheryl spoke? So “I canny sey enuff goot tings about ya, pet” would come out as, “Darling, you were marvellous.” It might have even stopped American audiences saying, “Hank, the British girl who speaks Swedish is on. Hurry, it’s hilarious!”

5 NOEL AND LIAM GALLAGHER

Who would have thought that two brothers fond of a drink and from an Irish family would have a falling out? Those things normally go so well. Liam recently attacked the brother for performing with Blur at a charity event. Maybe someone should tell him that the world has moved on since 1995. He might reply that British audiences are still attracted to white-boy pub bands. Or he might just say, “Fook off.” We’re putting twenty quid on the latter.