I’m divorced, he’s recently bereaved; and small minds are judging us
QI do hope that you get the opportunity to read my letter and would be delighted to hear your views. I am a separated/divorced lady in my mid-fifties, with three wonderful adult children all living reasonably close to me. I separated some years ago after a very difficult marriage. I have a good job and am financially secure. In the recent past, I met a very kind, wonderful, caring man who is a similar age as me. I am tremendously happy and we are both enjoying this relationship. When I met this man he had lost his wife to cancer one year previously. He speaks about her in a loving manner and is a wonderful father to their children. He feels he has the right to move on with his life as they both had time to prepare for the eventuality. However, I feel people in general, even some of my friends, judge him for moving on so quickly. I am a very sensitive person by nature and sometimes find this difficult. I can talk to him freely about this but find the judgements of others difficult at times. His children are not aware of our relationship, and I am fine with this, as he feels they are not ready just yet.
Mary, is there a right or wrong time for bereaved people to move on with their lives? I accept we are all different. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
AYOU are absolutely right — we are all different, people grieve differently and react in diverse ways when somebody they love dies. I think it is great that you have met such a lovely man and are having a second chance at happiness.
People will always talk about other people and it happens the world over. If they are not talking about your man then they will be talking about somebody else. I realise that it is difficult for you to feel that he is being judged because it really is very unfair. He was lucky to have time to discuss with his wife what his life would be like after she passed away, and I am confident that she would have encouraged him to get on with living and find somebody new with whom to share his life. You are both relatively young and hopefully will have many years ahead. It might help the next time you feel one of your friends is being judgemental if you were to say that he had discussed everything with his wife before she died and he has her blessing.
In my experience, those men and women who get into relationships relatively quickly after their spouses die are people who had happy marriages and therefore have no regrets. On the other hand, those who felt guilty about their marriages often say that they don’t feel entitled to have a new relationship.
But above all, it is nobody’s business apart from the two of you as to when you started your relationship. Just be happy that you have found each other and enjoy yourselves and let those small-minded people continue being small-minded. There may even be a hint of jealousy when they see how happy you two are. I feel sure that when he feels the time is right he will tell his own children about you, and I agree wholeheartedly that there is no need to rush this as they are probably still grieving the loss of their beloved mother.