I’m 28, good-looking and everyone says I’m fun, but I’ve never had sex
Q
I’m a 28-year-old guy. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I’ve never had sex. I am thinking of giving up on finding someone, and just try to have sex any way possible but I don’t want to sleep with an escort as I think it’s really sleazy and dangerous.
I would much rather be with someone I’m in love with. I am very good looking (not trying to toot my own horn, but I am) and I dress well and I am an interesting person with a good job and fun interests. But no one ever seems interested in me which is extremely frustrating.
I am kind of shy, so that could be a factor. I’ve tried speed dating and dating agencies but it led to nothing as women seem to only want overly alpha male tattooed rugby player types. I know my own mind and I am independent. I am thin but lean and muscular — just not monstrous.
Because I’m funny, women see me in a friendly clownish way, everyone says I’m hilarious but there is a lot more to me than being funny. As the years pass, it gets harder and more terrifying. I’m not ashamed, I am just worried that a woman in this day and age probably wouldn’t want to sleep with a 28-yearold virgin. I lament all the wasted years of my youth and getting older and approaching 30 is bothering me.
I don’t have any friends outside of my family. I find it hard to connect with people. I try to go out, but I just can’t seem to meet anyone and I am at my wits’ end. I am in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but it is a slow process.
Loneliness and the fact that I have yet to experience physical intimacy is making me very depressed and interfering with my life in a very negative way. If you can offer any advice, that would be great.
A
READING your mail, I find it difficult to accurately assess your personality — there seems to be many different strands to it. If you are shy but come across as being clownish and funny then people are not seeing the real you. Hopefully this is being addressed in therapy. I feel you are doing women a disservice when you say they wouldn’t want to have sex with you because you are a virgin. In all my years as a counsellor I never heard anybody — male or female — complain about a partner’s lack of experience. On the other hand I sometimes heard derogatory remarks regarding people’s indiscriminate histories. Be careful not to blame everything on your sexual inexperience instead of tackling other areas in your life that could be improved on. I presume you and your therapist have set goals for you to achieve so try to relax and don’t expect too much too soon. You will get results eventually and will be happy that you persevered. If you are anxious and uptight when you meet women, this will come across to them. A great way to overcome this is to stop wondering what they think of you and instead concentrate on them as people. Most people like to talk about themselves and will respond when asked what their views are on various issues. Please stop worrying about your age. You are still young and there is plenty of time for you to meet somebody and fall in love. If you are easygoing then it will happen when you least expect it.