LOVES OF MY LIFE

Alison Spittle

The person My partner. We’re that sickening couple who can’t stop holding hands. I feel apologetic, I’m that happy with him. We both can talk for hours about the first few series of Big Brother, and that’s all I want in a man The memory The weekend Michael Jackson died was the best weekend ever. My friends and I went to play Quasar and ended up at a 60th birthday party in Offaly. We knew no one there, and started dancing. The host was sound — he gave us some chicken balls and we all knelt to Earth Song, holding hands, screaming the chorus. My friend William clicked his fingers until they bled. We were very impressed The moment of the day The evening, when I get to a gig. There’s no better feeling in the world — it’s like doing mild drugs, but society doesn’t look down on you The song Prefab Sprout, The King of Rock ‘N’ Roll — any time I hear that squelchy keyboard intro, a smile cements onto my face The movie Coming to America .My uncle John had it and Total Recall on tape, along with some others, but they were way less appropriate for me to watch as a child. So I watched Coming to America hundreds of times, and still find it funny to this day The gadget An electric foot file. Gosh, they’re a miracle; it’s like a little sander for your feet — the glamour The hero Sharon Horgan — she wrote Pulling and Catastrophe.I don’t think I’ve held a TV series so close to my heart as Pulling The pet hate Hangovers and bigotry. Some days I’m not able for them and just stay in bed The hotel The Premier Inn in Reading, England. They’ve a great breakfast buffet with individual servings of Marmite. The rooms are designed perfectly — if you leave the door open, you can watch the telly while sitting on the toilet. That’s no coincidence — that’s precision design The book Any of the Adrian Mole books. Sue Townsend was a genius satirist, as well as a fantastic writer. She was so good with the minutiae and humour of everyday life The outfit I bought a yellow skirt with netting off a friend a few weeks ago. It’s so swishy, it makes me feel like I could do anything The friend Teresa Coyne is my flatmate and a comedian; our childhoods were practically the same. We know horrible stuff about each other that we joke about all the time The accessory My button necklace. I bought it in Edinburgh after a bad run at the Fringe a few years ago. Everyone complimented it, so now, whenever I’m in Edinburgh, I get another one. I lose earrings the whole time, but I can just about hang on to a necklace The beauty product I like Carmex, if that counts as a beauty product. I like anything that slightly stings, because it feels like it’s doing something, like spicy food The holiday Around Ballydehob in west Cork is incredible, and the people and food are savage, especially Levi’s Bar. They have musicians that travel from overseas to play there The hobby I love watching Pointless, the daytime TV show. I even flew over to London to be in the audience. It’s like going to watch your favourite football team The bar I love Caffrey’s bar in Mullingar. As an ex-smoker, I can appreciate the effort they put into the smoking area. They had a jukebox and a pool table outside the last time I was there. It has the nicest barmen you could meet The piece of advice Run your own race, don’t worry about other people — this has been said to me by too many people; I really should heed that advice The drink Gin and tonic. I discovered cucumber, and felt like Sir Walter Raleigh, but maybe that was because I was drunk The part of my body My armpit, it’s deceptively hairless. It’s my superpower; it’s like a Mitchell brother’s head under there The celebrity Kanye West. He is the most sincere man in the world, and he’s my self-esteem spiritual guide The virtue I’ve started flossing my teeth. I thought it was for posh people, but no, gum health is important The vice Arguing with dopes on Twitter. It’s my Achilles heel. First off, I feel calm, and next thing you know, I’m calling out an egg for a fight The smell Ten minutes after it rains, the sun is out and there is this smell that hits me once every two years. It stops me in my tracks. That, or Joop — bad boys wear Joop The taste Crema Catalana, it’s a lovely Spanish creme brulee, flavoured with cinnamon, orange and lemon