Face facts, my future is not looking good

ELEANOR GOGGIN

I’ve bought all the creams in the past. Mainly to get the two free gifts if truth be told. And they all stay in the little bag you get free as well and I never ever use any body lotions or face moisturiser or anything else that may have held back the evidence of age. And given that I’m a smoker I should have put in a small bit of effort considering my face is now beginning to resemble the surface of the moon.

I watched a programme the other night on TV, where older folk in a very snazzy retirement complex in America appeared to spend all day getting facelifts and Botox. Even though their faces didn’t move, they still looked much younger than their years. And yes if I had loads of money I would succumb to the knife. I’d get the craters down either side of my mouth filled in. I’ve often thought about shoving bits of cotton wool into the sides of my mouth like they do at the dentist, but I know that as the wine flows, I would end up with one in and one out. I’ve got enough crows’ feet to start a bird sanctuary, so I would definitely have some gunk put in around my eyes.

And I’d have a job done on the knees that no longer look like they were ever a part of my body. And the Peggy Dell bingo wings would be removed. I would no longer be still waving a half an hour after everyone is gone. This is all only a pipe dream because I don’t have the money to do any of it. Maybe I could hold a fundraiser. In my mother’s day, Ponds Cold Cream was all they bothered with and they looked great. Elegant and old and mostly still married to the same man who took very little notice anyway. Now with so many newly single people out there the pressure is enough to put you over the edge. Maybe we should just stay in after a certain age.