Our country is stuck in a cycle of perpetual crisis with no solutions
Ministers pray for the ‘wheel of misfortune’ to land on their rivals as the same issues surface, writes Kevin Doyle
THE ‘wheel of misfortune’ landed back on Simon Coveney this week as water became the latest crisis to bring the Government to the brink.
He manfully did the daily doorstep with reporters, ramping up the ‘tough guy’ act while simultaneously trying to appear statesmanlike.
Leo Varadkar was nowhere to be seen. Neither for that matter were Simon Harris, Frances Fitzgerald or Paschal Donohoe because it wasn’t their turn.
The Cabinet is engaged in its own reality TV show, whereby every week a wheel is spun and selects a crisis. Unfortunately for the public, many of the episodes are now simply rehashes.
We’ve seen the water crisis instalment at least three times but it always gets good viewership as Fine Gael tries to resuscitate Michael Noonan’s dead cat and the opposition parties attempt to outflank each other to be the most populist.
Similarly, the ones starring Frances Fitzgerald wilfully facing down a gardai crisis are a regular hit. People wonder will they ever be able to take out the Garda Commissioner or will she live to fight another day. Then we have a pay crisis which is easy to vary. It can feature doctors, nurses, teachers, tram drivers and bus drivers.
It has an extra-special dimension because the central character is a minister living out a Black Mirror experience, having previously been one of the greatest hecklers in the State.
Under fire from the Op- position to solve the crisis, poacher-turned-gamekeeper Shane Ross comes out with rebuttals like: “If he [Robert Troy] does not have confidence in me, then why does he want me intervening? Instead he should have told me to keep out of it. He has constantly called for me to intervene. He should make up his mind.”
It’s a constant cliff-hanger as people wait to find out whether the minister will take out his chequebook.
There’s also the sub-plot where Lord Ross’s ‘Men of Alliance’ are unsure if they are more damaged by their association with him or with Fine Gael.
Everybody’s favourite ‘wouldn’t be’-leader-of-thecountry Paschal Donohoe is also involved in a broader pay crisis. He is adopting a totally opposite approach to Ross by engaging with everybody — but that has pitfalls, too. If you give the unions an inch they want a mile. And there are miles to go on this one before industrial peace will be restored in the land of Public Expenditure.
Health was the original crisis but the Government has managed to spice it up by placing a 30-year-old rookie in charge.
Young, able, enthusiastic Simon Harris follows in the footsteps of Micheal Martin, Brian Cowen, Mary Harney, Dr James Reilly and Dr Leo Varadkar.
He has already been tipped for the top but in order to get there he must first show he has the empathy to deal with children’s tears, the compassion to relate to the elderly and the backbone to kick some middle management ass in the HSE. Most people believe, even if they don’t accept it, that the broken health system is beyond repair so if Harris can leave it in better shape than he found it that will be a victory. In a new twist though, some of his Cabinet colleagues are out to sabotage him on WhatsApp.
So predictable has the crisis wheel become that I can safely say it will land on abortion in the days to come.
This also falls into the remit of Harris, who will reassure the nation that it isn’t as simple as just repealing the Eighth Amendment.
Abortion will be back on the agenda because People Before Profit TD Brid Smith has introduced a Dail bill which seeks to drop the 14-year prison sentence for women in Ireland who access abortion and those who may assist them.
She wants the prison sentence replaced with a fine of no more than €1. Another way of looking at it is as an abortion tax, thereby removing any stigma that might be associated with a fine.
Of course, Smith knows the Bill won’t pass the Dail because the majority of Fine Gael and Fianna Fail TDs don’t want their names anywhere near the issue.
This is an issue that’s still too difficult for middle-ground politicians, so rather than try to deal with the crisis they created the citizens’ assembly of unelected people, selected by a polling company even though TDs constantly tell you they don’t trust polling companies. They will eventually make recommendations that will split the nation.
So while health is the most frequent segment on the crisis wheel, it is now closely followed by housing. This is also the problem of Simon Coveney, which might sound unfair on top of water but he’s very earnest and likes to always look busy.
In January, there were 7,167 people categorised as homeless, including 2,407 children. This societal crisis is a hangover from the economic collapse of a country that had 2,066 ghost estates just five years ago.
Coveney has endless plans for kick-starting construction, making rents affordable and ensuring nobody has to live in a hotel. Himself and Fianna Fail’s Barry Cowen, whose brother is often seen as the father of all the crises, even had a big bust-up before Christmas in an episode called ‘Rent Pressure Zones’. It nearly brought the Government down, but of course nobody wanted an election so they moved on.
But while a country in crisis is one thing, a party in crisis is an altogether more exciting affair. Such an event usually only happens every five or so years but Fine Gael has perfected the art of perpetual crisis.
Later this month, Enda Kenny will be off on his goodbye tour of America. Donald Trump has brought out a special memorial cap for the occasion with a price tag of $50. Kenny’s mere existence is a crisis for the Government and his party. His colleagues credit him with steering us through the economic crisis and banking crisis of recent years — but his storylines are becoming very stale.
There was a time when he’d conjure up images of armies fighting off the peasants from ATMs but these days the best his own army of scriptwriters can come up with is an imaginary meeting with Children’s Minister Katherine Zappone.
In short, the Taoiseach’s character just isn’t believable anymore and it’s time for a new leader.
But that in itself creates a crisis because the two proud princes of Fine Gael, Simon Coveney and Leo Varadkar, are weary of battle.
The king is dead yet both his heirs fear reaching for the sword in case it remains stuck in the stone.
As a country, we are stuck in a calamitous cycle of crises and there are no solutions in sight. It’s not necessarily Fine Gael’s fault. Fianna Fail needs to do some soul-searching, too.
Now who was in charge of our Brexit response again?
‘In short, the Taoiseach’s character just isn’t believable anymore’