SOCIAL MEDIA SUPERSTARS

As Donal Lynch talks to Ireland’s social media queen, Suzanne Jackson, (see Page 10), Pat Fitzpatrick has a look at some other influential people on the internet 1

DONALD TRUMP Some say he sways hillbillies with his ridiculous arguments on social media. We say that’s a lazy, stereotypical insult to lay on the hillbillies. They don’t have time for Twitter, what with all the marrying their cousins and making crystal meth. Donald has 25 million followers on Twitter, compared to Enda’s 55,000. It’s wrong to contrast them. Donald is a golden-haired survivor who terrifies media handlers every time he opens his mouth. Enda’s hair is more blond. KYLIE JENNER What do you mean, you don’t follow Kylie Jenner? Oh right, you’re a middleaged man in a baseball cap who’s been given a 500-yard barring order because of all the stalking. Gotcha. Which is just what the cops said when they found you hiding in her bin. Jenner recently lost out in a battle with Kylie Minogue to trademark their first name. Older people saw this as some kind of victory for good taste. Really? I should be so lucky. Lucky, lucky, lucky. Seriously? SELENA GOMEZ Selena was on the Disney show, Wizards of Waverly Place. You know, those shows with a nice but dumb white boy, a cute white girl with magical powers, and two to three social minorities. They are the kinds of things 14-year-olds pretend to watch while sexting their girlfriend. Selena reportedly made over $500,000 for one Instagram photo of her drinking a Coke. 500 grand for one Coke! That’s cheap, says you, just in from a Dublin nightclub.

VLADIMIR PUTIN

Dear Western Imperial Stooge, We have hacked this section of your stupid article in a stage Russian accent(ski), to point out that our leader Big Vlad has no time for Facebook because he is too busy meddling in his Baltics. (Steady onski.) We totally reject the notion that Russia is using social media to influence foreigners. If you would like to discuss this further, we are parked outside your house stroking a helpless kitten. There is no need to be afraid.

KATY PERRY

Katy is an inspiration to younger people, apparently. Particularly ones who like tweets that might as well read, “You could be anything you want, if you didn’t sit around reading inspirational tweets that may or may not have come from a fortune cookie. (Buy my album. Love ya.)” Katy had a public falling out with Taylor Swift. It was weird, watching women undermining each other in public, said no one who went to an all-girls’ school.