DANCING STARS
As Donal Lynch talks to ex ‘Dancing With The Stars’ hoofer Des Bishop (see Page 10), Pat Fitzpatrick has a look at other celebs who have strutted their stuff
1 DES CAHILL There were fears that illness would stop Des from dancing on week seven of Dancing With The Stars. This raised a number of questions. Like, what stopped him from dancing on weeks one to six, says you. Still, he walked away with the gong in the Awkward Middle-Aged Guy Up For A Laugh category. Or maybe he danced away with that gong. It can be hard to tell with Des. The hit show featured a Swap Night. Which sounds like a popular sport among consenting couples in Randy Town.
HUGHIE MAUGHAN
Hughie is a gay member of the Travelling community. He had a tanning malfunction on Dancing With The Stars that made him look quite brown. If the person who commissions shows on Channel 4 is reading this, I’d like to pitch a minority-related documentary with the longest name in history. Although it might be hard to get My Big Fat Black Irish Gay Gypsy Reality Show Contestant on a poster. Maybe we’ll play it safe, and just go with Hughie!
LAURA WHITMORE
Laura appeared on Strictly last year, partnering with Giovanni Pernice. There were rumours of a relationship, although Italian men are not known for chasing women, said no female who ever walked alone in Rome. Rumours Laura was competing for Giovanni with his ex, Georgia May Foote, were described as a “trumped-up love triangle”. Sounds like something seedy involving the President of the US in a Moscow hotel room.
LOUISE REDKNAPP
Pop quiz. What do Louise’s girl band and the time it takes to complete a season of Strictly Come Dancing have in common? They are both called Eternal. Louise was partnered with dancer, Kevin Clifton, in last year’s Strictly Come Dancing. Kevin is described as a Fertility King (really!) because two previous Strictly partners got pregnant after dancing with him. He must be glad when the series is finally over, and he can return home to his wife and 73 kids.
SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR
Sophie had a smash hit when she sang Murder On The Dance Floor. That sounds like something from the Strengths and Weakness section of Des Cahill’s CV. (Poor Des). Sophie got a new job after she appeared on Strictly Come Dancing a few years ago; she is now one of the tabloids’ officially designated Women Who Don’t Look Their Age. This never ends well, says you, looking at another shot of Helen Mirren in a bikini.