Does your love meet the gold standard?

Irecently spent a few hours in the company of two couples who were in love. None of those involved were in their first ‘big’ relationships. Nor were they in the first flush of youth.

One pair was heterosexual and unmarried. The other gay and married. They were easy and enjoyable company. They are examples of the lucky 10pc.

This goes back to a Late Late Show years ago when a Jesuit priest, Fr Feargal O’Connor, was talking about marriage.

Someone from the audience piped up and demanded to know what would he, a middle-aged celibate man, know about marriage.

In the next few minutes I remember him demonstrating that he probably knew more than all of the audience put together. He had done a lot of listening.

What he said has always stayed with me and remains the yardstick by which I measure every relationship, my own included.

He divided marriages into three types, and this was in pre-divorce Ireland.

In about 10pc, he observed, the parties detested each other, were not good for each other, and would be far better apart. I seem to recall him saying that if one was run over by a bus the other would be relieved, or even pleased. It sounded like a pro-divorce argument to me.

About 80pc were grand. They loved each other. They muddled along. They loved their children. They were a family. If one partner died, the other would be very upset. But they could probably find a good replacement and muddle along again. They were mates, but a long way from soulmates. I am not quoting him exactly but that was the gist of it. Since then the shape of Irish families has changed beyond recognition, but what he said still applies to two committed adults.

These other 10pc were soulmates plus. Each is the centre of the other’s universe. They seem to be always in each other’s field of attention, but not in a way that excludes others. They allow and expect freedom. They seem at ease. They admire each other and take pleasure in what the other does and is as an individual. They are happy with each other, and one feels they share whatever unhappinesses come their way, as they inevitably do.

The disturbing thing about Fr O’Connor’s assessment is that he put this quality of relationship as low as 10pc.

Over the years I have not seen much evidence to suggest that he is wrong.

It is still the gold standard that most of us seek. Parts of it are often there during the honeymoon period of any relationship. But to get beyond that initial two years requires maturity, social skills, self-belief, kindness, allowing space and change.

Maybe it is not surprising that a quality relationship is beyond the reach of most of us.