The guide to a perfect summer, now
‘You’re never going to Glastonbury. And, you’d hate it if you were there’
SUMMER is, in many ways a fantasy of nostalgia for things that never happened. Like the hot summers we imagine we used to have, or barbecues we don’t have, and festivals we don’t go to. The perfect summer exists somewhere, but we mainly spend the real summer waiting for the fantasy to come.
When we do get a bit of actual summer weather we obsess about how it won’t last. And anyway it’s too much of a pain in the ass to go anywhere, because everybody will be going to the same place.
We all have false memory syndrome about the summer. For example, one of my favourite new albums this summer is Ti Amo by Phoenix, which is an album that is based on nostalgia for discos in Italian seaside resorts. I think one of the reasons I like it is because it makes me feel nostalgia for long-lost teenage summers at tacky Italy seaside resorts that I never had. Phoenix, by the way, are French.
I’m spearheading a new movement ‘Live in the now for summer’. The idea is that we don’t sit around waiting for the summer to happen. We just act like it’s there already. And we accept that it will never be perfect but we just get on with it. A lot of it just comes down to stolen moments. Steal a moment, and they can often turn out to be the best ones. Act like you’re on holidays even when you’re not, and that will usually turn out to be better than your real holidays.
The main trick here is to always be ready. Now I’ll warn you. This is not easy. One thing it requires is spontaneity. I have a lot of problems with spontaneity. One of the few things I am spontaneous about is having a drink, and then another three. Apart from that, I tend to like to plan things, because otherwise they will be a disaster. But I’m learning this summer that sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
Let’s take the barbecue as our case study. I am never going to have the perfect barbecue, with loads of jolly people laughing in the sun, while I effortlessly throw up butterflied legs of lamb, a whole roast pig and a smorgasbord of chi chi salads.
You can do what perfectionists tend to do and just never have a barbecue, because it won’t be perfect. Or you can get a gas one, turn on that bad boy whenever it’s not raining, and barbecue at every opportunity, breakfast, lunch and dinner. And don’t be put off because you don’t have burgers or whatever. You can barbecue anything. At least 50pc of what is in your fridge, animal, vegetable or processed, will benefit from being put over flame. And if you really have nothing, you can always buy those manky cheap hot-dogs and a loaf of processed white bread. Get a few char-lines on the dogs, stick a bit of mustard and ketchup on them and wrap them in a slice of cheap bread, and you could be at a hipster food truck in New York. Important to remember too that cheap supermarket coleslaw is your friend here. I make delicious homemade coleslaw, but you know what the problem with it is? I never make it. But at 99c we can all afford to keep some supermarket coleslaw in the fridge, ready to turn any slight bit of burnt meat into a meal. If I’m feeling extravagant I will even keep a cheesy one and a regular on stand by. This saves you having to have cheese for burgers.
So that’s the detailed case study. Broaden out that thinking and you will soon be living in the now for summer. For example, don’t wait for the perfect time to have some drinks in the sun. Keep a few tinnies in the fridge and if the sun comes out, instead of starting to make plans and trying to think of where’s good for al fresco drinking, grab a tinnie out of the fridge and get out in the garden. I don’t even put it in a glass any more. Straight from the can. No time to mess around with Irish summers.
As regards festivals? Listen, you’re never going to go to Glastonbury. So just enjoy it on the telly and don’t wish you were there. You would hate it if you were there. I have so many happy memories from this year. The stand out has to be Chic’s bass player. For some reason I can’t stand Nile Rogers, but the bass player was incredible to behold. And the best part of it was I was able to pause him and get up and get an Iceberger from the fridge.
Summer is happening, right now. So get with the programme. Hopefully you are reading this with a tinny in hand.