The will is strong but the product is wee-k

AINE O’CONNOR

The Boychild, twixt celebrating his recent coming of age, planning the takeover of the world, juicing like a loon in preparation for same and allegedly looking for a job, has anointed himself housekeeper. When he doesn’t have anything more pressing on that is. It falls well as it coincides with the frantic, head-wrecking moulting of Buddy the Madhound.

Stretch marks, pelvic floor destruction, travel restrictions, financial ruination and career stagnation all feel like acceptable sides of parenting. Dog hair in the house, however, feels like the most selfless thing I have done for my children. I have to do deep-breathing even thinking about it.

It’s great to have the additional housekeeping but last week I got a text: “Is it just me or does that yellow disinfectant stuff smell of wee?” I laughed when I read it because yes, that yellow disinfectant stuff does smell of wee. I had half wondered too if it was just me but yuck is yuck so I had decided to throw it out. Crucially, however, was that I decided to throw it out, and forgot to throw it out. “Haha, not just you” I answered. “Sh*t cos I thought it was just me and I cleaned everywhere with it.”

Sure enough I got home to an undeniably clean but olfactorily heinous home. Poor child had done his most in-depth clean ever, wardrobe doors even, in this weirdly nasty smelling product. Anti-bacterial it’s meant to be, most likely because the bacteria run from it. The Girlchild came in, “What’s that smell?” Both their friends came in, too polite to say anything but their nostrils rippling. I could still smell it when I was cooking. It could also be anti-bacterial because we have had to clean everywhere twice to get rid of the bloody smell.

This time I remembered to throw it out.