I can’t bear my husband shouting and screaming at my young son

QI am recently married, and have a 12-year-old son from a previous relationship. We have recently moved house, perhaps adding to the stress.

My husband — let’s call him Thomas — is strict, which is fine. I, on the other hand, am far more laid-back about things. If my son doesn’t do things exactly the way Thomas wants or exactly when, Thomas just loses it.

He is verbally abusive and I just can’t handle it.

I know my son can be cheeky, but he is not a bold child in any way. And I don’t know one person who would suggest otherwise.

Thomas can’t seem to talk to him as an equal, or on the same level, he always speaks down to him. I don’t think it was this bad before, or perhaps I just didn’t see how bad things were.

I feel physically sick every time he roars at him. I have asked him to stop treating him this way many, many times, but he doesn’t seem to think he is doing anything wrong. Then we end up in an argument and it just hurts to see the two people I love most in the world treating each other badly.

My son now has very little time for Thomas. He doesn’t want to spend time with him, and doesn’t really listen to him any more. I can kind of see why. Why would he listen to someone who has nothing good to say?

His biological dad has very little influence on my son’s life as he only sees him for a few hours once or twice a month.

My husband seems to have zero interest in doing family things with us any more. Any time I suggest anything, his response is “Whatever you think/want”. He doesn’t plan things with us, so I’ve just kind of stopped caring myself. I hate the way our lives have gone; it’s just horrible. I feel bad that my son must deal with this. I don’t want to walk out on my marriage but things are only getting worse. Almost every day I come home from work to shouting. I just can’t deal with it at all.

Thomas wants us to start trying for a baby, but how can we bring another child into our family?

Also, I don’t believe all this unhappiness and stress would be good for a pregnant woman!

As far as I am concerned, we are a family.

What do I do?

AYOU are a blended family, and for that very reason you are at risk of having more problems than a family that has always been together.

You don’t mention if your husband has any children from a previous relationship, so I am assuming he doesn’t. Your son will have first got to know him as your boyfriend, during which time he probably was just someone to have fun with, and he would not have been all that important in your son’s life. Then he became his stepfather and somebody to whom he had to answer — a figure of authority. Added to that, your son was having to share you with him whereas previously, after you broke up with his father, there were only the two of you. There may also be issues in his mind as to why his biological father is not more significant in his life.

Whereas you have always had your son in your life, Thomas became a stepfather to your son when he was almost a teenager. That is quite an adjustment to make. I am not for one moment excusing the way he is treating you son, I am just trying to understand his mindset. While you have evolved your parenting skills over the years, Thomas has been thrown in at the deep end and is obviously finding it difficult.

You are there in between them, loving them both, and wishing things were different.

Something has to be done to change all of this. Explain to your husband that you cannot allow things to continue as they are, and ask that you discuss what is acceptable to both of you regarding parenting. You will also have to get your son’s views on how his relationship with Thomas can be improved and try to get him to open up as to how he feels. This may not be easy and you may need professional help in the form of family therapy. The Family Therapy Association of Ireland has family therapists all over Ireland and its website, www. familytherapyireland.com, is a good starting point.

I agree that it would be very unwise to start thinking of another child in the family when your current family unit is so fraught.