Forget men in tights... now it’s men in jocks

I’M heading for the day when I’m arrested for inappropriate behaviour. I’ve plenty of time on my hands now that I don’t actually do any meaningful work and I spend a lot of that time thinking up ways to annoy my ‘children’.

My kids walk into the house when they want to. Without warning. And one of these days they will be greeted by a sight that will not be beguiling. I’m not sure what it’ll be but I know it will happen.

So I think I’ve taken to planning various scenarios that would render them distraught. One of them always arrives on a Sunday to do his clothes-drying in my tumble drier so I have a fair idea when he’ll be around and he is the one who is sometimes at a loss for words when it comes to his mother. So the best victim then!

One of my ideas was to have men in various states of undress in my house when he strolls in. One coming out of the downstairs bathroom in his jocks and one boiling the kettle in his socks and maybe another in a dressing gown coming down the stairs. I have a wonderful vision of his incredulous face in my head.

So unfortunately when I’ve had a few drinks I’ve taken to recruiting role players. It has to be guys he doesn’t know so I’m choosing random men of various ages at any gatherings I’m at. Soon I won’t be invited anywhere. So far most have smiled indulgently at me. The same look my kids employ. Maybe I should take up bridge to occupy my mind.

One of my friend’s dads is well into his eighties, goes to the gym three times a week, looks like a man in his sixties and is always game for a laugh. He rose to the bait and did a practice run in his jocks while acting as sommelier. I’m still looking for two more guinea pigs...