Uncertain times can beat old demons

EVERY now and again, usually when I have something else pressing to do, I clear out my email. It makes me feel efficient even if it has zero tangible benefits but it can be fascinating to see how time has passed, how things that seemed important or even scary can be all but forgotten and just how much things can change.

The last few years have seen a lot of change in my life, but there were, I thought, still a couple of constants. What was that about God laughing at plans? Dude is guffawing at me right now. Within a short space of time the things I thought I had sorted have disappeared. The romance I thought was forever is gone, finances are precarious and even living arrangements are uncertain. I know that people deal with far, far worse things, but still this is a weird space to be in at 50, especially because every effort to manage it has hit a wall. If anything it has accelerated and the uncertainties are literally day to day.

The absolutes are pared right down now to a very few things. My life has love, for and from my precious children, my incredibly kind and supportive family and my truly wonderful friends. The so far so goods are that I have my health, a job, and I won’t be without a roof over my head. And that I haven’t gone mad.

Anxiety has been a real issue for my entire life. I coped badly with uncertainty so tried to anchor myself by controlling the parts of my environment that I could, whether by cleaning the house or planning time. But with fewer externals to anchor to I have had to, finally, find an inner stability. All things are relative of course and I still feel totally mental on occasion, but hey, I’m not sure I even want a cure for that.