Now I have to dress up just to answer the door

THE next item on my ‘to do’ list is to get a professional and slightly doctored photo taken of myself. Just in case I go missing and a description has to be released with a photo. The description will probably say ‘Last seen wearing a pair of too-tight leggings, baggy jumper and runners’. I continue to defy my mother’s advice to always look your best even if you’re going to the shop around the corner. But at least I’ll have a decent photo. I’d be recognisable in the photo, but it would be as good as they could make me look. Doctored.

The reason for my chagrin with regard to my appearance is the monitor thing my son has bought for my front door. The camera that tells all. For my protection. Every time I go in and out, it alerts me with a message “there is motion at the front door”. And a short video of the ‘motion’. I do not look good in these snippets. I’m waddling with my bad hip. I have a double chin and a face like my ass. Harsh but that’s what I perceive. When I returned from a recent trip abroad my son had, unknown to me, set the system up on his phone. He was in his sitting room in his house when I limped up to the door and he started making sounds to frighten me. What a joker... I couldn’t ascertain where the sounds were coming from and when I heard him roaring laughing, my language became very choice. All the while it was recording. Not good. My hair was like a Brillo pad. I had no make up on and I was cursing. And I looked bewildered.

There’s another one of me yesterday rocking outside the door dying to go to the loo and trying to get the key into the lock. Now I have to start trying to look my best to go in and out of my own front door.