Dangerous Liasons
Cheating with a cheeseburger is Sophie White’s latest marital low, but sneaking around takes work — how do all those high-profile ‘love rats’ do it?
I“Naturally, like any married person I like to deploy sweet little gems of subtle revenge”
’ve been having an affair with a burger place near my house. It’s been a clandestine thing, at least up until this moment, anyway. You see, I don’t want to ruin it by bringing Himself there. He’s too cerebral when it comes to food. He’d haul out his deliberately contrary analysis and ruin all the things I love about the place. He does it about everything I like; he can’t help himself.
I can’t remember precisely when he no longer supported my every whim and vagary, but, at some point, he ceased indulging my food foibles and began calling them out for the borderline disgusting notions they are.
Take my insistence on only ordering the worst, most gelatinous and neon Chinese takeaway. Himself would be pushing for something with a shred of authenticity, while I’d be hell-bent on my usual prawn crackers and curry sauce for dipping.
While I get that this combo could be a divisive one, even things that I believe to be universally beloved, such as Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, are dismissed by Himself. “Too sweet,” he’ll pronounce my adored Phish Food, a spectacular, life-shortening concoction of chocolate ice-cream, marshmallow, caramel sauce and chocolate chunks. Too sweet? As if there even is such a thing.
He does this to my TV shows (admittedly my devotion to Law & Order: Special Victims
Unit baffles even me); my leopard-print garments; and even my choice of music. Naturally, like any married person, I like to deploy sweet little gems of subtle revenge. I maintain a near-perfect track record of shrinking his clothes, to the point that I’m banned from the laundry — and really, whose loss is that?
I also keep culinary finds like this burger place to myself, jealously hoarding the information and taking myself out on stealthy solo dates. I don’t want to give him the opportunity to ruin the place for me, but mostly I don’t want him enjoying it either. Petty? My god, yes, but also deeply satisfying.
When I’m off on my solo date, I display all the hallmarks of an adulterous spouse. I slink into the place with my hood up and sunnies on. I only pay in cash so he can’t find out just how often I’m in there, and then I gorge.
It’s not an ideal set-up; for starters, I’m making conspicuous cash withdrawals and Himself is starting to suspect something more nefarious than a pattie passion is going on. I’ve had to resort to a home-made approximation for the sake of my reputation.