Parents have a lot to learn about sex education

‘We know that almost every schoolboy has watched porn’

WHAT is the purpose of education? To impart knowledge? To inform someone about a subject matter? I would suggest its main purpose is to equip a person going forward so they are able to deal with or function in a given area. We teach language — so a person may communicate. We teach maths so a person may understand their basic finances. We want to give people skills through education so they can better navigate the world they live in. So they can get a job, be independent. Deal with life.

And why do we have relationship and sex education? Well for the same reasons really, to equip young people to deal with what they will experience when they dip a toe in the waters of romance, love, sex and all that goes with it. Except I don’t think that’s what we are doing.

I think we give them a sex education that doesn’t equip them for what they’ll actually experience, indeed that doesn’t really resemble the sexual landscape they inhabit at all. We teach sex education to kids in such a sanitised, unrealistic way that I’m not sure it’s any use to them at all in navigating modern sexual norms and relationships. And what that means is today’s kids, much like we did back in the day, don’t get their information through formal education — they get it from asking each other — which can mean the information isn’t great. Or, of course, they get it online.

And alas that doesn’t mean they go to top class, informative educational sites when they want to know stuff, in many cases it means they look at porn. The explosion of porn among our young people is the elephant in the room when it comes to us deciding how we will talk about sex to our children. We know for a fact that almost every schoolboy in Ireland has watched porn by the end of national school. And a significant proportion of national school girls too. In fact there is a direct correlation between the age they — or their pal — gets a smartphone and when they first view porn. So if you’re thinking of buying your child a smartphone and are working out if they’re old enough, the question you should really be asking yourself is — what age am I comfortable with them watching porn at? Because that’s the age you should buy them the phone. We are — like our parents before us, behind the curve with our kids. So we dance on the head of a pin angsting over whether we can use correct anatomical terms like vulva or clitoris when they have already seen naked men and women having full-blown sex from lots of different angles. We are teaching kids about sex the way Disney teaches them about life. In a lovely safe childlike way. But unfortunately the upshot of that is we are allowing the adult entertainment industry to get the jump on us when it comes to really explaining sex. And of course porn is to sex like Die Hard is to visiting the airport.

I think we need to be braver with our kids. I think we need to not evade or prevaricate with them when we talk about sex. We need to name everything. Yes we need to explain what can go wrong in terms of pitfalls but also need to tell them what can be great about it — which is why we have it in the first place. And we need to not dress it up in talk of planting seeds and lovely hugs. They know we’re bullsh**ting them. They’ve seen that for themselves.

We also need to talk openly to them about porn, masturbation and fantasy. What’s real and what’s not real and explain that yes there are people who have sex without being in love with, or even liking, the person they’re sleeping with — but that sex when you do actually love someone and fancy them at the same time is actually one of the most amazing things in the world.

We cannot be more afraid of talking to them about this stuff than of them viewing all these things and us NOT talking to them about it. They need a road map, a safety net and some credible advice and information.