MILLENNIAL DIARY

ASURVEY conducted by e-commerce firm Picodi last week bafflingly revealed that Irish people are set to spend more on St Valentine’s Day than any other country.

Apparently, the 54pc of Irish people who plan on celebrating was a “staggering” (high) statistic — which will have people all over the country scratching their heads wondering why their other half still isn’t talking to them after there was no personalised Moonpig photocard last year.

Of course, the news that half of Ireland will be sitting out V-Day will come as a bitter shock to those who believe that their decision not to share a portion of Milano’s dough balls (“Better avoid the garlic butter, eh? Tee hee hee!”) on one specific day of the year is brave and counter-cultural.

The survey also found it ‘interesting’ that more than half (57pc) of Irish people don’t think about St Valentine’s Day gifts until February. Presumably, the survey was conducted by teenagers in the first throes of young love, who will have been working on their Valentine’s photobook since their three-week anniversary in December.

On average, Irish men are prepared to spend €140 on the day, which is the exact sum that supermarkets have decided to try and get desperate heteros to pay for a single bunch of sad red roses this year. Women are hoping to receive flowers, jewellery and perfume, with sex toys topping the ‘worst gifts’ list, because women hate climaxing.

Men, meanwhile, can think of nothing worse than receiving a Valentine’s card — and a third of them think cash would be a lovely little romantic present.

There is one thing everyone can agree on: only 14pc of respondents thought that having sex was a nice Valentine’s activity. Glad to see Ireland has totally lost the run of itself.

******* Last week, rumours about a ring on Jennifer Lawrence’s finger were confirmed by the actress’s rep, who told People magazine that Jen is engaged to New York art dealer Cooke Maroney (I have checked several times and this is absolutely, definitely his real name and not, to the best of my knowledge, a character from Bugsy Malone).

Really, we feel betrayed because we didn’t even know she was seeing anyone. We’ve been kept totally out of the loop. Who even is this guy, Jennifer?! Jennifer Lawrence has built an entire career on being everywoman’s eternally single messy friend. But now she’s getting married. And we can no longer say, “Well — Jennifer Lawrence is single and she’s OK.” I hope this Cooke fella is worth it, Jennifer, you’ve really done a number on us. ******* Justin Bieber, who at the tender age of 24 has earned a lifetime achievement award for services to WTF (buying a pet monkey and it being confiscated in a foreign country; urinating in a mop bucket while saying “‘f**k Bill Clinton”; and also quipiing “Anne [Frank] was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber”) sat for his first proper interview in two years last week. There was more than a whiff of Tom-Cruisecirca-2005 from Vogue magazine’s profile of him and his new wife Hailey, “No sooner has he settled in than he jumps up to do a little jig; he climbs over the sofa... bathes her neck in kisses and whispers endearments (‘Guess what? You’re amazing’)” and reading it makes you want to have a long, hot shower. Justin revealed that prior to his marriage to Hailey last September, he had been celibate for over a year. Obviously, the internet quickly did the maths and worked out that he is either prone to exaggeration or was probably celibate for part of his relationship with Selena Gomez, a fact we were bizarrely thrilled with.

The pair dated for a while three years ago, which ended not with a conscious uncoupling, but a “dramatic excommunication” (“Negative things happened that we still need to talk about and work through”) before they met again last year at a conference run by the pastor who officiated Kim and Kanye’s wedding (obviously)

Justin and Hailey sound like two people who have been to a lot of therapy. And I know that there’s nothing more important than taking responsibility for your mental health and seeking help — but this interview proves that there is such a thing as Too Much Therapy. Justin explains that he struggles with trusting other people and himself, the baggage of a child-star, “It’s been difficult for me even to trust Hailey. We’ve been working through stuff. And it’s great, right?”

For Justin, God is like a Tesco club card, “There are perks. You get rewarded for good behaviour.”

He explains that his reward is Hailey, who appears to have the unenviable task of keeping him moored to reality. It isn’t clear what she gets out of it, or whether she’s just a person-shaped life belt.

Hailey’s “trying to be a grown-up. I think we can be married and still have fun and enjoy our adolescence,” says 24-year-old adult man Justin.

Says his blushing bride: “The thing is, marriage is hard.” Quite.