Naked, not afraid
How I learnt to love my body
Ihave a very distinct memory of being 14 years old with a part-time job, saving my money for weeks and weeks, and the first thing I bought was an ‘ab toning belt’. The sad thing was I had wanted one since I was 12, but had never had my own money to buy one. I thought this would solve all my problems, I would look like all the other girls around me. My heart breaks for that little girl now. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop at ab belts. My obsession with my weight became worse, and dangerous. From starvation diets to dangerous fat burners to, eventually, the horrible cycle of binging and purging my food.
I grew up a chubby child, and grew into an overweight teenager. I hated PE classes, as I was always the slowest. Swimming class was embarrassing, and clothes shopping a nightmare, as nothing fitted me properly. I spent my early 20s yo-yoing with my weight, binging and purging, and wondering as I lay on bathroom floor: was this my life?
I became pregnant at 22. I put on a lot of weight very quickly, and was terrified of what would become of my body. I found it hard coping with an overweight body covered in stretchmarks — so much so, I was planning on what silly diet I could do as soon as the baby was born.
Then she arrived — she was perfect: so little, so vulnerable. I worried what sort of mother I would make, as in ‘I haven’t got my own shit together, so how can I raise this child; what if she becomes me?’ I made a decision then and there that I would try my very best to be a role model to her, to not abuse my body, to not to hate myself. So for the first time ever, I ate well and exercised, and did it the right way — the longer, harder way, but the right way.
I still had blips over the years, even when I became a personal trainer at 24, and then went on to have a
“Bringing up a teenage girl in today’s society scares the crap out of me — between dangerous diets and social media with its Photoshop and filters”
second child. I still struggled with what I saw in the mirror. Food scared me for so long. I just wanted to be able to eat like a normal person.
At age 30, something just clicked. I had found a way of exercising that fitted in with my life, but didn’t take it over. I found a way of eating healthily, but was also learning when to enjoy food and take it easy. I had finally managed to master this so-called balance I had heard people talk of.
I am now 35. I run Pixie Fitness and have built a very successful online training plan — Flexifit123 — for women who are like me; women who have spent years yo-yo dieting, on fad diets such as juicing and ‘skinny’ teas, doing cleanses, potions and pills, desperate to lose as much weight in the shortest time possible. I am the product of a very dangerous diet industry, and I am helping women, one by one, to lose weight and keep it off. My motto is: stop dieting, start living. That’s exactly what I did. I constantly talk to women who are terrified of bread and running away from avocados. What the hell happened to us?
Dangerous quick-fix
I teach moderation. Balance, and how to live a better lifestyle and lose weight without the need for all the fad stuff and endless hours in gyms. Diets do not work longterm. When people realise that long-term weight loss is not easy — it takes patience and determination — then maybe we can persuade people to stop buying these dangerous quick-fix diets. The concept of weight-loss/ fat-loss is easy — eat less crap and move more, but applying that long-term can be quite difficult for people who struggle with weight, and this is where I can help.
I decided I wanted a picture to represent where I am now in my journey. I approached Shelly, who is a photographer I had worked with in the past for my business, for website and exercise-plan images. As someone who spent most of my life avoiding having my picture taken, I needed someone I felt comfortable and safe with, and Shelly gives me that in abundance. So when we spoke of an image to go with this article, we thought, ‘Naked — not in a sexual sense; we shall call it a freedom shoot’. I spent a large portion of my life hating and judging what I saw, and to be 35 and happy to stand there in all my glory, I thought, ‘Bring it on’. I wanted to portray an inner confidence and happiness that took me 35 years to grow.
Shelly is an artist, and to sit there completely bare for her invoked feelings of fear and exhilaration. I feel free, and she helped bring that out in me — no Photoshop, no editing, just me. We thought, ‘Let’s get other women involved in this’. Any woman who had a story to tell of adversity, be it physical or mental, and overcame it, we welcomed them to strip bare and celebrate it, while telling their story. The ‘Barely’ campaign came alive then. These are raw images of women with no Photoshop or editing, showing them in their natural beauty.
Bringing up a teenage girl in today’s society scares the crap out of me — between these dangerous diets and social media with its Photoshop and filters. I hope I am showing her to be herself, as all that other stuff isn’t real or healthy. So here I am with a bit of cellulite, few stretch marks, a below average-sized arse that certainly is not #squatbootygoals, but I am happy naked — and not afraid.