True romance

Forced affection is a flawed concept, but this year Sophie White will be on the Valentine’s passion train — especially if it involves decadent flourless cake

Once a year, this column requires me to engage with romance. It’s a concept that Himself has always interpreted in quite esoteric ways. One Valentine’s Day, he gave me a ring I already owned as a gift. Wrapped it up and everything. A note to men everywhere: don’t do this. The woman will be thinking you are gifting her a new ring. We’re logical that way.

His argument about the ring-cident was that he was treating me to the ring cleaning. This logic was faulty in the extreme, especially given that I had brought the ring in for cleaning in the first place — he just collected it, paid the balance on the bill, and then presented it back to me in what has to be the most baffling ‘romantic gesture’ of all time.

Now, I know I’m not the most romantic person myself, but I’d nearly prefer an out-and-out ignoring of the event then this kind of flaccid attempt at romance, though I do concede that he has been improving of late. Or perhaps it’s more that my expectations have plummeted so low that I’m perceiving decidedly unromantic things as the height of charm, like how he gave me noise-cancelling headphones for last Valentine’s Day.

On the face of it, not the lacy, slinky or bejewelled little number one might want on Valentine’s Day, but a decidedly utilitarian gift. However, on further reflection, I realised that noise-cancelling headphones are, in fact, one of the most thoughtful things he’s ever got for me.

Now I can block out the incessant whining of our children and his extensive and fascinating answers to my asking: ‘How was work?’ every day. He’s probably prolonged our marriage by at least three years with that one purchase.

It seems this year, I’ll have to step up my own romance game. My previous efforts have included getting dressed and sitting at the table for dinner on the day (instead of slumped in loungewear on the couch, shovelling food in while watching Netflix) and completely ignoring the day altogether.

I’ll start by ditching the loungewear for the day in question — when you’re super married as we are, a little goes a long way in terms of reminding the other person that occasionally they find you attractive.

I’ll also be making him this rich chocolate and coconut cake, which will hopefully serve the dual purpose of being romantic and cutting short the minutiae-filled run-down of his day in the office.

“My previous efforts have included getting dressed and sitting at the table for dinner”