Why I wrote a gay boy’s guide to life

Riyadh Khalaf (28) is a broadcaster, author and YouTuber. Born in Bray, Co Wicklow, he lives in Clapham, London, with his boyfriend, Josh. He began broadcasting from his bedroom in his teens. Now he has a BBC podcast

Ilive with my darling boyfriend, Josh. We’ve been together for a year, and we just moved in with each other two weeks ago. My whole world has changed. It’s my first time living with a boyfriend. In the last week, there has been a lot of, ‘That’s my smoked salmon’; ‘That’s my avocado’; ‘How much bread did you eat?’; ‘You are using too much soap’.

We wake up, and he’ll make me a hot water with lemon. He’s always up before me, so I put on the eye mask and pop in the earplugs, and I have my last half-hour of sleep.

We met on Instagram. I saw his picture and said, ‘He’s an absolute bloody ride’. It was as if I had invented him. A friend posted a picture of him, and then one of my close friends had a date with Josh. He told me that they didn’t have anything going on, but that he was a lovely chap. He had a feeling that this could be the guy for me.

I sent him a message, and we went on our first date to a tapas restaurant. That led on to a tacky bar in Soho, where we had our first kiss in a booth.

I’m a nightmare as a boyfriend, because I’m anxious and constantly questioning myself and everyone around me. I’m also a workaholic. But I adore the ground that Josh walks on, and I think the one thing he really appreciates is that when I love, I love hard. I’m interested in his work and his passions. I support him, and he supports me.

I live in Clapham Common. I’ve never had a garden, but my favourite thing is the Common; this vast expanse of grass with people playing football; dogs, and Prosecco. It’s full of sunshine and topless fellas — heaven to me!

After hot water with lemon, I have spirulina and psyllium husks to set the bowel in motion. I have IBS, and anxiety flares it up — like, if I’m worried about something or have had a fight with Josh. I watch my diet.

I walk into my office, which is a room at home. I just open the laptop. I never, ever work from home without making myself look as though I am going out for a meeting. If my hair isn’t done and my aftershave isn’t on, then my productivity is on the floor.

My job is multi-faceted. I have my own YouTube channel. I have a BBC Radio 1 podcast, and then I do lots of other things, too. I have about six different jobs on the go at the same time. I do it for insurance. I’m freelance, and I’m not employed by anyone. I jump from gig to gig. If two of them drop me, well then, I still have a safety net. I love being busy. I might be shooting a documentary, taking pictures for Instagram or promoting my book. It’s called Yay! You’re Gay! Now What? Basically, it’s a gay boy’s guide to life.

I share my coming-out story and the struggle that I had when I was younger.

I knew that I was gay for four years before I told my parents. I call it the ‘pre coming-out’ phase. You are so scared and you keep it to yourself. I lay in bed every night with my eyes wide open in a panic. I was wondering if they found out, would I be thrown out of the house, or would they send me to a conversion camp.

I told my mother first, and she was very accepting. My father, who is from Iraq and used to be Muslim, took it very badly. But then he told me that he loved me. Now, he marches in Pride with me.

I wrote the book because ever since I put my story online, thousands of people — young LGBT people and their parents — have come to me for advice. Some are depressed, or living in countries where it is illegal to be gay. In the past, I sent them to videos, or websites like belongto.org, but then I decided to put everything you could possibly want to know in the book.

I flip it on its head and tell them that gayness is a gift. They are instantly part of this global family of millions of people who are willing to embrace them and love them. They are part of a minority [composed of people] who have this innate ability to empathise with others, and who can feel deeply. I also say that being gay is just part of who you are. It’s not everything. You don’t have to be a stereotypical image of a gay person. You can be Stephen Fry.

My mum and dad wrote a chapter in the book specifically designed to help parents accept their gay children, if they are struggling. It’s very powerful, and tells you to stop and listen to your child, and be calm and watch what you say. Be sensitive and seek help.

I love working, and I’ve been lucky. Since I’ve been in London these past few years, I’ve been given so many opportunities.

Although Josh and I are a year into our relationship, we still put an emphasis on having date nights. We dress up in

“I tell them being gay is a gift. They are part of a global family willing to embrace them”

separate rooms, and either meet in town or cook a special dinner at home.

I hold Josh’s hand in public and I kiss him in public, but there have been a couple of times where I’ve felt this ball of anxiety in my chest as I did it. London is an accepting metropolis, but there are parts of the city that are incredibly dangerous. You have to make sure that you will be safe.

Before we go on holidays, we have to google ‘homophobic attack’ and the next word is the location. Can you imagine having to do that every time you go on a romantic holiday? You want to exist freely without looking over your shoulder. You want to meet new people and have new experiences. You don’t want to be surrounded by people that are just like you. It’s a hard thing to not make your act of love into a political statement.