Welcome to the new abnormal
CURRENT phase, tweaked: people allowed to go 5km for exercise. Cocooners, who were actually allowed to go for a walk before, are now allowed to go for a walk without getting dirty looks. Cocooners can go 5km from their houses like the rest of us, so they can walk 10km, there and back. When they reach their 5km perimeter, they will hit an invisible force-field which administers an electric shock to them. While out walking, cocooners are to avoid making contact with, speaking to, or looking at other people.
Phase 1: Healthcare workers are allowed to get childcare. While everyone else understands why and remains very grateful to healthcare workers, people are to be permitted to get slightly jealous. Garden centres open. Security is required as people descend on them with cans and sausages and charcoal, and “accidentally” bump into their friends at the barbecue section. Builders to go back to work, which leads to panic buying and stockpiling of chicken fillets and baguettes. Hardware shops open. Many people buy items that could be used as weapons. Cocooners still just allowed to go for a walk. See conditions above. Nonfamily groups of four allowed to meet up. The resultant outdoor drinking sessions lead to spikes in disease so that we have to do Phase 1 three times before we move on to…
Phase 2: People allowed to travel 20km from their homes. People take this as permission to go to their holiday homes. Locals are slightly less irate this time. Household visits (drinking with friends) allowed. Cocooners allowed to go to the shop as long as they don’t bother anyone and wear an actual cocoon around them. O’Neills sportswear pivot to making cocoons, but there is controversy when they fly in seasonal giant caterpillars to make the cocoons.
Phase 3: Cafes and restaurants are opened up. People flock to them and buy drink, and small portions of food if they have to. Non-essential shops with street-level entrance and exit allowed to open, so basement sex shops remain closed.
Phase 4: Hairdressers reopen. Many people are stopped by gardai going to the hairdresser because they are thought to be cocooners but in fact they are just encased in their own hair. Churches reopen and they are packed as people go there to register their disappointment with, and anger towards, God. Hotels, hostels and caravan parks reopen and many spouses move into them. People argue over who gets to keep the children. The loser has to keep them.
Phase 5: Shopping centres, theatres, gyms and cinemas open. Most people don’t remember what they are and continue to meet all their shopping, fitness and entertainment needs online. Nightclubs reopen with social distancing but people feel embarrassed about talking to other people face to face, so they stay at home Zooming. Welcome to the new abnormal.