I don’t think I can continue in marriage where I feel completely used by my wife MARY O’CONOR

QI am a man in my mid50s, I’ve been married for almost 30 years and have adult children. I feel completely taken advantage of. My wife has never worked outside the home, so money has been tight throughout our married life. It is only in the past few years, now that college costs are a thing of the past, that we have some extra money left over each month from my wages. I pay the mortgage and all the bills. My wife insists on getting half of any money that is left over, which means that she gets €700 a month.

Last year she applied for and got offered two jobs, but quit after a day. I also paid for her to do a course but she quit that too, saying it was too advanced and that she needed to start at a lower level.

If it’s her mother’s birthday or she needs something from a chemist, she insists on me giving her more money. She will not consider using her own “personal” money for what I consider her personal bills.

I don’t know what she does with the money every month. I also pay €200 a month to her for groceries, even though I generally get dinner in the work canteen. If I raise the subject of money, I am accused of financial abuse and she’ll get into a sulk and fight and argue until I apologise, just for a bit of peace.

She doesn’t get on with my family and has turned our children against them so much so that there’s no relationship there. She will constantly try to stop me from seeing them or indeed going on any work nights out.

Even after all these years, she constantly checks my phone. She freaked out when I joined Facebook so I had to give it up.

How can I make her see that

I feel completely used in this relationship? I just consider this is a very dysfunctional relationship and I don’t know if I can continue with it.

AThis is one of a number of emails that I got from men who are unhappy with their wives and in almost all of them the wives appear to be bullying their husbands. But it doesn’t matter who is doing the bullying, the only way to treat the bully is to stand up to them.

I appreciate that things were difficult financially for you when you were the only wage-earner and you had a family to feed and educate.

Your wife worked in the home looking after the house, making meals, taking care of the children after school, and all the other stuff that goes into a day at home. There is nothing much to show for it but it is a full-time job all the same.

Now things are easier for you financially, and you have had the satisfaction of seeing your children through college. However, money has become a huge bone of contention between you.

As I said earlier, standing up to the bully is the only way forward.

Tell your wife that you are desperately unhappy right now, and that things need to change. I presume that you are also getting €700 a month, and so in future you will not be giving her money for something like her mother’s birthday out of your share. Be sure to explain that it is not just the money aspect of your life together that is causing your unhappiness because there are other things as well.

You are perfectly entitled to be on any social media platform that you choose, so go back on Facebook if you feel like it. Also nights out with work colleagues are to be encouraged, and when all the lockdown is over, you should make a point of seeing your own family at least once a

week.

It is probably too late now to repair the damage that has been done to your children’s relationship with your family, more’s the pity. But it is worth a try, especially as everything is going to be different post Covid-19, and you should explore with the children, who are by now adults themselves, if anything can be done to help this along.

It is extraordinary that you have allowed her to rule you in this way, and I can only think that you didn’t want to rock the boat while your children were growing up.

But do you really want to spend another, say, 30 years living like this?

I would consider that prospect to be pretty bleak. So next time your wife makes some demand that you consider unfair, stand up for yourself, say no, and face the consequences.