My disabled son and new husband resent each other
Q
I am in my 50s and I have an adult son with an intellectual disability. It has been just him and me for nearly 30 years. I want my own life. I met a new man and remarried several months ago. My new husband is wonderful and I love him very much.
I own my own house; I bought it on my own a few years ago with my son in mind, but probably not a new relationship. My son has a really big room to give him independence, and I have a tiny room. My husband has moved in with us.
He is very hard on my son; I am too soft. It causes me huge stress. Things have become physical. My son had to move out for a bit to be with another family member, but this is not a long-term solution.
My husband now wants me to switch the bedrooms while my son is not here to make things less comfortable for him so he will move out permanently. My son is a hoarder and hobbyist but my husband wants me to give away or throw away about 50pc of my son’s possessions.
I feel so conflicted. I love my husband and I love my son. I want both. They resent each other. Neither will back down.
My son needs to live in a supported environment. I feel entitled to a new life and a second chance at happiness, but not at the cost of my son.
I am somewhat muddled and I am finding it hard to give my thoughts clarity.
A
This sounds like a really difficult situation, but the words that leaped out at me when I first read your mail was “things have become physical”. No matter who has hit whom, this is breaking the law and is an indicator that you simply cannot allow things to continue as they are.
I’m sure lockdown has made things even more difficult. Your son will be home in the near future, so something will have to be done. Your son has depended on you for all of his life and it must have been hugely difficult for him to accept having to share you with anyone else at all, particularly somebody whom you love and who is sharing your bed. I understand your reasons for giving your son the larger room while you were both on your own. But now you have a husband and it really doesn’t make sense for you both to be sleeping in the tiny room.
Space is probably at a premium in your house, but is there any other room that you could designate for your son alone, where he could have all his hobbies and hoardings? He could use this exclusively and then sleep in the smaller bedroom.
If this is not possible then how about a shed, if you have a garden of any sort, that could be installed for the same purpose? Anywhere that your son would feel supported and that his needs were being met, while allowing you some space at the same time, would help greatly.
Of course you deserve your own life, and so does your husband. He knew what he was taking on when he moved in with you but perhaps did not realise the extent to which your son relies on you.
I do not know how intellectually challenged your son is, so it is difficult to fully grasp what life must be like for you, but I certainly get the general picture and it is not a happy one for each one of you.
Hoarding Disorder (HD) can be associated with mental health conditions, such as ADHD. I would not feel qualified to say whether or not you should dispose of half of his possessions, although my instinct is that it would cause a lot of turmoil. It would be better to discuss this particular aspect with his doctor, who must know him well.
You have spent many years putting your son first so it will be very difficult for you to put yourself first, which in essence is what I’m suggesting. We all fear change and very often people will do everything they can to avoid change. Your marriage is relatively new and you owe it to both yourself and your husband to do everything you can to make it work.
Marriage is all about compromise and so you have to ask yourself what you can do to compromise regarding your son, and then talk with your husband and see if you can work out a plan whereby you both yield a little — and hopefully gain a lot.