Knickers sparing my blushes on Zoom call

SOME years ago when my baby (he will always be the baby) was in Brazil for Christmas, I decided to put my misgivings to one side and Facetime him on Christmas day. With the help of the other two offspring, we were transported to the other side of the world and he took us on a virtual tour of his sunny abode.

And then I suddenly saw this awful face in the corner of the screen and wondered who it was. When the other two told me it was me, I dropped the iPad and ran screaming from the room. I absolutely hate my face on screen. In real life I don’t think I’m that bad but never ever want to see myself on a screen. Just as well I never realised my dream of presenting Eurovision.

So when all these recent suggestions of connecting by Zoom were emerging, I managed to avoid them. Until I realised I was being petulant and people could accuse me of attention-seeking or something. So I took the bull by the horns and actually had two meetings on the one night — one with a gang of ‘girl’ friends and the other for my book club. The instigator of the book club meeting had sent me a complex list of instructions in order to look your best: a tall lamp at a certain angle and the screen turned a certain way; a white tablecloth on the table and so on. And then at the end: “Alternatively you can wear a mantilla.”

I don’t have a mantilla but I do have knickers that I can see through and that’s what I wore on my head. I had put on all my make-up. Lipstick, eye shadow and foundation. I had even brushed my teeth as if I was going out. All to end up with a pair of knickers over my face.