TO HUG OR NOT TO HUG, THAT IS THE QUESTION ...
AT a barbecue recently everyone did the nervy little dance of ‘how do we greet each other? Do we kiss? Do we hug? Do the elbow thing?’ Mostly, we did the elbow thing. Sometimes we just looked, with affection, at each other.
A woman arrived. She ignored the host’s delicate dance of greeting, and went right in for a crushing embrace. “I’m a hugger,” she announced loudly; proudly. And proceeded to make her way through the party, hugging all before her. In her wake: social consternation.
There’s a lot to learn around how to behave right now, but nothing is as pressing as the etiquette around greeting. Yes, we’re out and about again, and it’s great. But we are also confused. How do we salute one another?
Let’s be clear — there is still a risk of coronavirus. Both the immediate risk to oneself, and the broader risk of forming part of a human chain that could bring the virus into contact with vulnerable others. And yet, many behave as if the way is now clear for us all to return to pre-March 2020 carry-on.
Social distancing is still a cornerstone of the public health policy. HSE advice is still: “You should not shake hands or make close contact with other people, if possible.” For which read: no hugs. And, yes, it’s a pity. After all, hugging isn’t just a random social act. There are strong psychological benefits to hugs: physical affection alleviates stress. This is because we release the hormone oxytocin when touched, and this promotes feelings of attachment, connection, trust, and intimacy. Heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of the harmful stress hormone cortisol are lowered. That’s on a one-to-one immediate level. But there’s also a societal level: hugs facilitate social bonding, and a broad feeling of social connection is one of the proven routes to happiness.
So, there is a point to hugging. But right now, it is a minefield. A straw poll of friends and acquaintances — asked ‘are you comfortable with social hugs?’ — reveals a fairly even split between those who don’t mind, and those who do, because they are ‘still anxious’ about the virus.
The thing is, of those who are not comfortable, the majority said they would submit awkwardly rather than say ‘no thank you’ to the on-coming hugger.
We’re Irish. We usually choose the path of least resistance in social situations. And so, it is very hard for us to say firmly but politely — ‘too soon’ when someone bears down upon us with arms outstretched. We submit, unwillingly, rather than step away. There’s no way we are getting health benefits from those types of hugs.
There are even those who will throw aside politely expressed reservations — ‘I’m willing to risk it, I love hugs’ — as if the point of all this is them; as if they see only the risk to themselves and not the risk they represent to others. What do you say to them?
Body language expert Dr Peter Collett, a psychologist, former Oxford don and author of
The Book of Tells: How To Read People’s Minds From
Their Actions,
says “we’ve been through a ‘steady state’ in which we knew we weren’t supposed to hug or kiss. Now, we are in a ‘transition state’, in which there are divergent expectations. And you can’t always tell when you approach others, what they will do”.
His advice? “Do a preventative greeting outside the zone. Stop before getting close to someone, do a double air-kiss or a self-hug. Like that, you’ve given a strong indication of preference, to alleviate the possibility of misunderstanding.”
And if you are ‘a hugger’? “Be prepared to find yourself rebuffed. Again, stop outside the zone, do a big question mark — extend your arms, make a quizzical expression — allow the other person to accept or decline.”
Ask, listen, respect other people’s wishes, proceed with caution.