Nothing is unthinkable, it’s only unsayable

THERE seems a lot we cannot say at the moment, words we cannot use, arguments we cannot make, thoughts that cannot be voiced. Even the vaguest things have taken on absolute values. Correct and Incorrect. Good and Bad. It’s all the stranger because it was born of something originally gentle: the need for equality, understanding, tolerance.

It’s pointless because although the word ‘unthinkable’ exists, nothing is actually unthinkable. It’s just unsayable. But making something unsayable does not make it go away.

Someone told me once that they felt like an inherently bad person because they had a thought that they knew to be unsayable. The thought was, “I wish I hadn’t had kids”. He took very good care of his children but felt it was mostly through duty. He said he compared himself to people who spoke about how much they loved their kids, how nothing compared to the feeling and how parenting was the best thing they had ever done. Oh yeah, them. No, I don’t compare myself to them because I don’t believe them. They doth protest too much, if anything.

His main issue, however, was that his relationship with the co-parent was very unhappy. Apart from a fractious marriage, he felt forced into the parenting roles that she didn’t want, like discipline or cooking and homework, while she did the fun stuff. He felt trapped. Discussing something ‘unsayable’ didn’t change his marriage, but he saw that his feelings were not a reflection of his love for his kids but about his own selfdoubt and unhappiness.

Silencing people doesn’t bring change; only discussion can do that.