Minister for Making Life Bearable

IT’S getting cranky out there again. People who never gave a thought to a horse before are livid about a man sitting on a dead horse. And we’re blaming the young people for everything else. We’re blaming them for spreading Covid, for having a good time, and for the fact that they are young and we’re not anymore and our lives are passing us by with this damn thing. We’re wondering, too, what the hell they’re doing at college when college is online.

We even have science to blame them now. Nphet got a doctor from Galway who had elaborate diagrams to show how one small group of students socialising caused hundreds of cases. The deputy CMO, perhaps remembering for a second what it was like to be young and in college, stressed that this was not to blame students, but just to show how outbreaks can spread.

It was cranky on the airwaves, too. There were increasingly cranky encounters with Paul Reid about the vaccination roll-out. By Thursday, he looked like he might go off at someone. He was perfectly polite, but it was in the eyes. Clearly, the Government and the HSE are frustrated that we aren’t focusing on the vaccinations that have been done, but on the ones that weren’t done. It sounded like every GP that had a problem with their vaccines rang a radio show. And, of course, we weren’t too interested in the ones that went well. Apart, that is, from Sneem, where surprise vaccines landed out of the sky and they commandeered the local pub and the retired doctor and vaccinated half the town. There’ll be a stage-Irish movie in that someday. Vaccinating Ned Devine.

If we’re honest, we probably have got into a habit of accentuating the negative. But then again, there’s a lot of negative to accentuate. Here’s an idea, and you can fill in the millions of reasons why it won’t work yourself. But I’ll throw it out there anyway. We should appoint a Minister for Making Life Bearable. This minister — maybe someone touchy-feely like Simon Harris — could be responsible for ignoring all the things we can’t do, and focusing instead on what we can do.

So maybe everyone in the country gets a voucher to get a takeaway delivered. Of course, there’ll be GDPR and PPS-number issues and everything, but maybe we could do it through An Post. It might bring people together some weekend, as neighbours help older people order a pizza, and the economy gets stimulated. And why aren’t we planning to put socially distanced picnic tables — which are automatic pods — at nice spots all over the country for the summer? People are going outdoors and having coffees and icecreams and whatnot anyway. Why not regulate it and bring some organised, socially distanced buzz to places?

And are we planning a mass programme of summer camps to rehabilitate our children? Get them active, and have an academic aspect to it: Irish language spoken, or maths quizzes.

These are just half-thoughts. I’m sure there are better ideas out there. Send yours to the Minister for Making Life Bearable c/o Leinster House.