Dear Mary: Now he’s sober, my partner doesn’t fancy me any more

Q

I’m 36, and my partner is in his mid-50s and we have been together for seven years. At the start of the relationship, I was thin and our sex life was great.

Then I got pregnant but lost the baby at six months. We got through that OK and our sex life was good but I then started to put on weight, and in seven years, I went from a size 8 to a size 22/24.

He was an alcoholic but has been sober now for 10 weeks and in those 10 weeks we’ve only had sex four times. I see him looking at me differently like he doesn’t like what he sees any more, and the few times we’ve had sex I’ve really had to annoy him for it and I feel it’s forced.

We don’t live together as he cares for his elderly mother, and he’s openly admitted he’s been masturbating and not in the mood for sex. He seems different with me also, not at all affectionate any more and he’s just not the same.

Does he not love me any more? I’m completely lost and feel so ashamed of how I look that I no longer get changed in front of him. I just feel so ugly when he’s at my house. I really hope you can help me.

A

You have been through a lot in the time you have been together. Losing a baby at any time is traumatic, but at six months, it must have been indescribably sad for you both.

For almost all the time you have been a couple, your partner was drinking. You say he was an alcoholic but in fact he will always be alcoholic, although thankfully now sober.

It is, however, a very short time since he stopped drinking and so this is where your focus should be right now. It must be incredibly difficult for him after all the years of drinking to now abstain, and you have to understand that he will be quite different in many aspects of his life from now on. I’m sure you are delighted with his sobriety — and hopefully you have told him — but he no longer has the crutch of alcohol and so is extremely vulnerable.

I hope that he is getting help with this, either from AA or some other form of support, but even if not, he will be trying to take one day at a time. So instead of seeking reassurance from him that he still fancies you and repeatedly asking him for sex, you should be encouraging him by telling him that he is doing a great job in staying sober.

Partners of alcoholics often speak of having to come to terms with the new non-drinking partner and how this is sometimes difficult. It is as if they are seeing them in a new light and one with which they are not familiar.

For instance, someone who was once the life and soul of the party now becomes somewhat introverted, fairly quiet and not as much fun as previously. I realise that this is all offset by the wonderful fact that they are no longer drinking, along with all that entails, but I am just pointing out that allowances have to be made and sometimes patience is required to adjust to the new normal.

If you need help with this, contact al-anon-ireland.org which is for friends and family of alcoholics, both those who are still drinking and those who have stopped.

You give no details about your weight gain but you sound quite overwhelmed by it. As you have gained so much weight over the years you probably need outside help with this. If the weight gain is from overeating then Overeaters Anonymous would be of great help to you. There is an Irish branch of the organisation — contact them at overeatersanonymous.ie.

In fact, their programme is based on the 12 steps used by Alcoholics Anonymous with which your partner may be acquainted.

If overeating is not the problem and your weight is the result of a medical condition such as diabetes, polycystic ovarian syndrome, underactive thyroid or as the result of taking certain medications, then you should talk to your doctor about this as a matter of urgency.

Look upon writing to me as the first step in getting help for yourself which will ultimately help the relationship between yourself and your partner. Good luck with it all.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St,

Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.