How to open your mind and win other people around to your way of thinking
The world is a volatile place right now. With a lack of real-world interactions, the pandemic has made us frightened and social media has made us angry and ready to attack. From lockdowns to politics, climate change to social justice, debate is fraught, opinions are polarised and people won’t be swayed.
If you can’t remember the last time you changed your own mind — let alone someone else’s — then organisational psychologist Adam Grant is here to help.
An expert on opening other people’s minds, he wants to teach people how to abandon their own self-righteous thinking, find the joy in being wrong, bring nuance to charged conversations with family, friends and colleagues — and even sometimes help you to win others around to your way of thinking.
After years spent studying the world’s best negotiators and champion debaters for his new book Think Again, which has been lauded by Bill Gates as a
“must read” in “a divided world”, he says we need to stop seeing disagreements as a threat to our egos, and rethink the way we debate others. Over Zoom, he says the first mistake we can make is to go into any conversation “trying to change the person’s mind”.
“You are going to be more successful if you go in trying to ‘open’ it, or, better yet, to understand the other person first. If people don’t feel heard, they don’t listen.” On average, he says, “it’s more effective to ask questions rather than give answers. This is especially true if the other person is defensive or resistant”.
A key question to ask is: “What evidence would change your mind?” Or: “Is there any situation you can think of that would change your mind?”
He says: “Let them talk themselves into change. That way they are listening to their own voice. And they have ownership over their reasons for change.
“When I use this phrase, it shows I’m not trying to force or bully you into changing. I’m showing curiosity, which makes you less defensive. You start to think about circumstances where you might ‘rethink’ your thinking. You come up with ideas yourself, you own them, and, crucially, it helps you make an important commitment out loud: you can hear yourself say you would be willing to change your mind.”
What sets expert negotiators apart from average negotiators,
he says, is that ironically “they do more ‘feeling commentary’”.
“It’s weird. You would think brilliant persuaders are rational and logical, but watch them in action. If someone brings them a proposal they think is unfair, for example, they say, ‘I’m really disappointed by that’, and then they are silent and let the other person react. They are trying to get the person to respond to their feelings in a way that gets them to start rethinking what they just said. Another big surprise for me is that expert negotiators give people fewer reasons to support their way of thinking. Firstly, more reasons dilute your argument. If I give you seven reasons — and you don’t want to agree with me — you are going to pick the weakest reason and use it as an excuse to throw out my entire argument. Whereas if I just give you my two strongest reasons, it’s harder for you to object to them.”
Secondly, he says: “When you give people multiple reasons, you raise their awareness that you are trying to persuade them — and people don’t want to be controlled. Six or seven reasons feels like an onslaught. One or two reasons feels like a reasonable conversation. I am just kind of explaining my views. I am not trying to manipulate or coerce you into changing your mind.”
He believes when someone says “let’s agree to disagree”, it is shorthand for “giving up”. And that everyone, if they talk long enough, can find common ground. But his most important advice is for people to be humble and keep their own mind open. Smart thinking requires the willingness to rethink beliefs.
If you need convincing, then just take his research on the world’s best political and economic forecasters — the most successful change their minds, on average, four times before making a prediction. Or take Steve Jobs, who once smashed a mobile phone against a wall when his team tried to persuade him to branch into hand-held devices. He said: “That’s the dumbest idea I have ever heard.”
It took months to convince him, but the rest is history.
The best economic forecasters change their minds at least four times before making a prediction