Dear Mary: My grandchild’s teacher shook a student — should I take the matter further?

Q My granddaughter is in primary school. Recently, she witnessed her teacher grabbing a student in her class and shaking her. My granddaughter told me about it when I collected her that day as she was quite traumatised witnessing the experience.

I understand that the parents of the girl who was shaken confronted the teacher but accepted his apology.

My daughter doesn’t want to create a fuss because she is friendly with those parents but I know how upset my granddaughter was and I don’t think the teacher’s behaviour was acceptable.

I understand this was not the first time the teacher acted in this way.

I am not sure where to raise this but do not want a family row either.

A Some weeks ago I answered a parent where the principal in their child’s school seemed to be out of control. I urged that parent to take every possible step to ensure that this matter was resolved, and recommended that their first step should be the Board of Management.

The issue that you write about, while having some similar details regarding a teacher’s behaviour, is quite different.

This is because you are the grandparent and not the parent of your granddaughter. As a result of this, you have to be very circumspect and do not interfere, no matter how much you wish you could. I think you are aware of this because you say you don’t want to have a family disagreement, and how wise you are.

Grandparents play a huge role in the raising of their grandchildren.

For some, it is very much hands on, particularly when both parents are working outside the home and they find it incredibly difficult to fit in things like school runs, or after-school activities such as sports and music. When grandparents can help out, parents are generally extremely grateful and the grandparents are usually very happy to help.

I’m aware that some grandparents do much more than that and are very much involved in the grandchildren’s day-to-day lives, as a result of the death of a parent or ill health, or things like issues with addiction.

This can be very difficult for the grandparents as they are at a different stage in their lives than when they were parenting young children, but they almost always do it so willingly and with such good grace that they earn everyone’s admiration.

They are not looking for this, and feel that they are doing what they should do. But it must be difficult at times, particularly with regard to stamina.

But there is a line that cannot be crossed.

Just as parents make mistakes when bringing up their children, now that those children are parents themselves, the grandparents have to step back and let them do things the way they see fit, even if they don’t agree with what they are doing.

If they don’t take a back seat then they are in fact treating them still as children rather than the adults they have become.

So no matter how much you want to get your daughter to take things further regarding the teacher who shook the schoolchild, you cannot. Instead, check in regularly with your granddaughter to make sure that everything is OK with her and that she hasn’t suffered any ill effects as a result of what she witnessed.

Then relax, get on with enjoying your time with her, spoil her when you can and make the most of every day you can have with her. I love the saying that grandchildren are God’s compensation to us for growing old.●

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.