Our efforts at doing stuff ‘as a family’ has come to an abrupt end

THE Youngest is going through this phase of wanting to do stuff ‘as a family.’

I don’t know why. Maybe she thinks we’re getting divorced because I threw a shoe at Himself for forgetting to put the bins out and she wants to make the most of the time we have left.

Initially I was touched. I’m not anymore. After a week of enforced proximity with my Nearest and Dearest I’ve come to the conclusion, we all need our own space and the sooner we get back to us all basically ignoring each other, the better.

Every night last week she insisted we watch ‘I’m a Celebrity’ together in bed. Sounds cute. It wasn’t. All four of us crammed together and the dog, into a bed that is only made for two. For some reason when the four of us are squashed together on a couch or in bed, the kids take this as the ideal opportunity to…..fart.

‘Jesus Mary and Joseph! Who just farted?’ Himself bellowed. Cue: Hysterical giggles. Just as you calm them down, the wriggling starts and it’s an elbow in your face and a kick in the shin. And the talking! My God my children talk a lot, especially when you don’t want them to although I suppose I probably have to take full blame for that one.

Apart from the TV watching, she has insisted that we make and eat dinner together each night. This almost never happens and now I can understand why. We literally cannot sit at the table for five minutes without having an argument.

The last straw came when she made us put the Christmas tree up together. This is normally my job because obviously I want it to look nice and let’s face it if I leave it to them they’d only make a balls of it!

So there we all are, Christmas music blaring, putting up the tree. I go to find an extension lead and come back to find all the red baubles on one side and all the gold ones on the other. The fairy on the top looks legless and they’ve only put lights on the front.

I confess I lost the plot. ‘ This whole ‘ let’s do it as a family’ business is not working! I’m sick of the whole lot of you.’ They look momentarily taken aback but then slightly relieved. ‘ I’m fed up talking to ye, and cosying up with ye and pretending that I want to spend 24 hours a day with ye. I DON’T! So can we just get back to normal PLEASE!’

They nod eagerly and head for their respective safe havens – bedroom, playroom and in front of the telly. The house settles back into comfortable silence.

Long may it last.

I LOST THE PLOT. ‘I’M SICK OF THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU’ THEY LOOK MOMENTARILY TAKEN ABACK BUT THEN SLIGHTLY RELIEVED