PIERS MOR­GAN: DE­LI­CIOUSLY INDISCREET

The Irish Mail on Sunday - TV Week - - FRONT PAGE - Piers MOR­GAN

MON­DAY, NOVEM­BER 19

Lit­tle Mix, the world’s big­gest pop girl band, have re­leased a naked photo of them­selves, with in­sults painted all over their tor­sos in­clud­ing ‘slutty’, ‘ugly’, fat’, ‘weak’ and ‘stupid’.

As with all fe­male stars who get their kit off these days, they claim this is an em­pow­er­ing and lib­er­at­ing fem­i­nist state­ment.

Of course, as I pointed out on Good Morn­ing Bri­tain, in re­al­ity it’s just a cyn­i­cal de­ploy­ment of nu­dity and sex­u­al­i­sa­tion to flog their new record, Strip.

(It’s not even a new idea; the Dixie Chicks did the same thing in 2003 for Rolling Stone.)

This wouldn’t mat­ter if they were ap­peal­ing to an adult au­di­ence. But they’re not — Lit­tle Mix’s fans are im­pres­sion­able young girls.

And as a fa­ther of a seven-year-old daugh­ter my­self, I don’t like them be­ing sold a sub­lim­i­nal mes­sage that the only way to suc­ceed in life is to take their clothes off.

It’s the same kind of disin­gen­u­ous garbage the likes of Kim Kar­dashian and Emily Rata­jkowski ped­dle as they post their ‘fem­i­nist’ top­less self­ies.

Lit­tle Mix say they also want to stamp out abu­sive lan­guage. To demon­strate this, one of them – Jesy Nel­son – this af­ter­noon called me a ‘silly tw*t’ on BBC Ra­dio 1.

TUES­DAY, NOVEM­BER 20

I’ve been ham­mered for prais­ing new I’m A Celebrity... pre­sen­ter Holly Wil­loughby’s ‘siz­zling legs’ in the jun­gle.

Ob­vi­ously, I’d for­got­ten the new fem­i­nist rule that dic­tates no man can pay a woman an aes­thetic com­pli­ment with­out be­ing sum­mar­ily be­headed – even if the woman in ques­tion is thrilled by the com­ment (Holly texted me from Aus­tralia to thank me).

Mean­while, US chat-show star Ellen De­Generes posted a mon­tage of her­self drool­ing over pho­tos of semi-naked fa­mous men – and was cheered for her ‘cheeky hu­mour’ by the same women howl­ing at me over Holly’s legs.

‘The hypocrisy of mod­ern fem­i­nism laid bare,’ I de­clared.

WED­NES­DAY, NOVEM­BER 21

‘Hon­estly, what is wrong with you, Piers Mor­gan?’ raged a woman named Joan Grande on Twit­ter.

(‘Where do I start?’ would be the hon­est answer…)

‘Didn’t your mother ever teach you, if you have noth­ing to say, don’t say it! Ellen is an an­gel. Lit­tle Mix… did you ever hear of pay­ing homage?’

When I’d stopped laugh­ing, I dis­cov­ered Joan is pop su­per­star Ari­ana Grande’s mum.

‘My mother taught me to speak my mind and never be afraid to ex­press an hon­estly held opin­ion,’ I replied.

‘Have her call me,’ Joan snapped back. (I’m quite tempted. My mother doesn’t take very kindly to peo­ple ques­tion­ing her par­ent­ing skills…)

Then a new com­bat­ant en­tered the de­bate: Grande Ju­nior. ‘Ellen is an in­cred­i­ble and kind hu­man be­ing,’ Ari­ana tweeted me. ‘I use my tal­ent AND my sex­u­al­ity all the time be­cause I choose to. Women can be sex­ual AND tal­ented, naked AND dig­ni­fied. It’s OUR choice & we will keep fight­ing til peo­ple un­der­stand. I say this w all due re­spect but thank u, next.’

‘Hi Ari­ana!’ I re­sponded. ‘Of course women can do what they like, but if they/you use nu­dity to sell their records to im­pres­sion­able young fe­male fans, I’ll con­tinue to call them/you out on it. All due re­spect but thank YOU. Next...’

She wasn’t fin­ished. ‘Also, Piers Mor­gan, I look for­ward to the day you re­alise there are other ways to go about mak­ing your­self rel­e­vant than to crit­i­cise young, beau­ti­ful suc­cess­ful women. I think that’ll be a beau­ti­ful thing for you and your ca­reer, or what’s left of it.’ Ooh, get her! I sensed the im­per­ti­nent lit­tle madam isn’t used to peo­ple de­clin­ing to take ev­ery word she says as the gospel ac­cord­ing to Saint Ari­ana. ‘Now now, young lady,’ I re­sponded, ‘my ca­reer’s do­ing just fine thanks. For the record, I crit­i­cise/praise ev­ery­one – male, fe­male, gen­der-fluid. In­deed, I’ve writ­ten col­umns prais­ing and crit­i­cis­ing you, and you de­served both.’

Ari­ana then tweeted a spoof ad­vert I once did for Burger King, in which I lay by a fire like Burt Reynolds in a loin­cloth and medal­lion to pro­mote a fake beef-scented af­ter­shave.

‘When you do it, it’s ok tho, right?’ she sneered. ‘Is that your screen­saver?’ I asked. ‘Nah,’ she snapped. ‘And it ain’t ur girls’ ei­ther, I can prom­ise u that.’

(Fact check: true.)

Ricky Ger­vais was lov­ing the feud. ‘This is like 2Pac and Big­gie all over again!’ he ex­claimed.

My el­dest son Spencer, 25 – a big fan of Ms Grande – wasn’t so happy: ‘Ahh, FFS,’ he tweeted, ‘there go my chances.’

‘I don’t think it was ex­actly a home run be­fore I got in­volved,’ I ob­served.

Mean­while, as I trended world­wide, Ari­ana and Ellen had so­cial-me­dia sex with each other. ‘I love you, Ari­ana Grande,’ gushed Ellen, the queen of unc­tu­ous syco­phan­tic in­sin­cer­ity, ‘and ev­ery­one in this world who cel­e­brates all peo­ple in­clu­sively.’

‘Me too,’ gushed Ari­ana back, ‘we’re so much stronger to­gether! Love u.’

‘Can you guys get a room?’ I sug­gested. ‘This is nau­se­at­ing.’

Per­haps the fi­nal word should go to Mike Stock, one third of the leg­endary Stock, Aitken and Water­man pop pro­ducer trio, who said sim­ply: ‘The free­dom about which they all speak is also a free­dom to re­strain from sex­ual ex­ploita­tion. Some artists need to con­sider the ef­fect of their de­ci­sions upon young im­pres­sion­able minds.’

Ex­actly.

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