Rita’s simply Ora-some but (oh, Simon) where’s the heart gone?
OH, Simon, Simon, Simon – what have you done? As The X Factor launched amid a fanfare announcing the changes to the judging panel, what were we in for this season? The usual banter between the judges as they argued the case for or against their favourite acts? Relatively talentless, but hugely entertaining candidates who will somehow make it through to the last stages (Jedward and Wagner, to name but two)? Mesmerising, but slightly spooky people like Chloe-Jasmine Whichello (currently on Celebrity Big Brother) and the hilarious, OTT Stevi Richie, now Chloe’s fiancé? Weeping singers raising their eyes to the sky, performing for their dead mother/grandfather/dog?
Nope. It’s all gone. And while the production values are still very much in evidence (it continues to be by far the best-produced entertainment show on British TV), on last night’s evidence the heart of the show has been ripped out. What we are left with is X Factor Lite.
This is a review I never thought I would write. It’s certainly one I never wanted to write. Simon Cowell is a genius. His instinct and judgment are rarely wrong. I have loved everything he has done (Red Or Black aside), and despite the changes over the years, The X Factor has consistently been the jewel in his ever resplendent crown.
So, what’s gone wrong? The panel, for a start. It’s a disaster. Louis Walsh and Simon were a great double act and, because of their longstanding friendship, Louis could give Simon as good as he got. They were always hilarious.
Newcomer Nick Grimshaw is on the radio for a reason. Opening your mouth like a stunned goldfish in a Jaws movie does not constitute a ‘judgment’.
And trying to up his part with backstage footage of him larking around was just embarrassing. ‘I like working with you three,’ said Simon to his fellow judges, in another redundant piece of backstage footage. Yes. If you say it often enough, you might actually begin to believe it. The other newcomer, Rita Ora, is spectacular. She was wonderful on The Voice and has insight, charm, sensitivity and wit. She completely carried last night’s show and worked her socks off every second.
Now, to Cheryl Whatserface. I’ve always been a big fan. But what’s happened? I’m seriously worried for her health. I rarely make negative comments about people’s looks but the woman is shrinking before our eyes.
This was also a very low-key performance from her. What’s happened to her glorious smile and fun-loving nature? Her ‘Eweoooh’ (posh, sneering voice) at the news that 19-year-old Tom was reading politics was pathetic. Is having an education that bad? Simon has been claiming that she ‘has her mojo back’.
I can only say that mojo is not what it used to be.
Fatherhood has clearly made Simon a softer touch. He really is a lot gentler on the acts now, but he still knows real talent when he sees it.
At just 17, Louisa stole the show (‘That’s what you call a singer,’ as Simon rightly said), and the four sisters from the Philippines were professional and brilliant.
For the first time, the show looked tired and (Rita aside) running on empty. Hosts Olly Murs and Caroline Flack are a great combination, but Olly’s place should be on the panel.
You can’t help asking if season 12 might be the last. Where once The X Factor had the ability to shock, now it’s predictable. Changing the panel is all very well, but the viewers have changed, too. We still want magic. Now, though, we can spot the rabbit long before it comes out of the hat.