Kenya cocktail
Jane Bussmann does some serious relaxing in a corner of Kenya where everything’s just a little bit loopy
You hear some cracking stories about beach life in southern Kenya – most of them addled, as Kenya is not the most logical place in the world. A friend wanted to build his dream home on the beach here, and went looking for a plot of land. Two estate agents said they had the perfect spot at the perfect price and arranged for my friend to see it the following day. The next morning, my friend turned up to find the estate agents looking disconsolate.
‘We are afraid another buyer has made a higher offer than you,’ they said. My friend sensed dodgy dealings. He said: ‘Well never mind, he can have it then,’ and walked away. The estate agents chased after him, shouting, ‘No! No! Come back! We were lying!’
Things were just as illogical during my stay at Diani Beach, where the fishermen drifting in their old wooden canoes seemed to have forgotten what they were looking for. Only occasionally did they think about bothering a fish.
One day I followed the smell of grilled red snapper to a cafe on the sand – the Colobus Shade. Under an 800-year-old baobab tree, customers clinked glasses, congratulating themselves on having found happiness for under a fiver.
‘Nice place you’ve got here,’ I said to Masha, the owner.
‘It is a good spot,’ he said, downplaying the bright blue Indian Ocean, the palm trees and the baby colobus monkeys. ‘Lots of full tables,’ I said, pointing. ‘Those aren’t my tables,’ he said. ‘You what?’ ‘Mmm. Someone opened a restaurant in my restaurant.’ Gradually I noticed an entirely different owner, cook and waiter were operating the tables in half of Masha’s place. The Colobus Shade had a competing seafood restaurant in the middle of it.
Imagine if Gordon Ramsay opened up his Savoy Grill one morning, only to find Marco Pierre White setting up Le Petit Savoy Grill by the loos. ‘But doesn’t that make you… a bit cross?’ I asked.
Masha shrugged. He’d simply bought a few more tables. I wonder how many weeks on Diani Beach it would take for Gordon Ramsay to become so mellow.
Diani, 30km south of Mombasa,