A family limo that offers real value
Vauxhall’s (or should that be Opel’s?) family limo offers real value... just don’t try battening down the hatch!
Eh? Not another Volvo for us to smoke around in for a few days,’ was my initial thought when I first clapped eyes on this week’s test car. ‘And there was me expecting a Vauxhall…’ But of course it was a Vauxhall – or an Opel, as all you Irish readers would know it – although it just looks like a Volvo. Whether this a good thing or a bad thing, I remain somewhat ambivalent. And what about this for a pedigree, best-inshow name: the Vauxhall Insignia Grand Sport SRi VXLINE NAV 2.0 170PS Turbo D S/S. Where do we even begin with that little lot? How about the SRi part? Principally because it sounds vaguely like MRI and it was while driving to my first ever MRI scan I first got to experience this new Insignia.
Since I have been running long distances, various bits of me have been threatening to fall off, especially in the past year or so. My aches and pains recently reached the point at which my genius chiropractor Philip suggested it might be prudent to invest in some very large electromagnetic action. Best hour’s sleep I’ve had for ages.
After the whirring, clunking tunnel of fun my next excursion in the Insignia was to do a bit of fenderkicking, having agreed with a pal of mine to go halves on a river boat. As a seasoned owner of several boats over the years, he has left it up to me to compile a shortlist. And before I go any further, allow me to deal with that often-bleated but often-inaccurate so-called witticism that goes, ‘The best two days of boat ownership are the day you buy it, and then even better, the day you sell it.’ Of course this can be the case, but I know hundreds of happy boaters who wouldn’t sell their pride and joy for the world.
The formula to boating bliss is five-fold: first, think not what kind of boat you want but what you want to do with your boat. Second, get someone involved who really knows about boats to advise you (morning Arnie!). Third, insist on a river or sea trial before you buy. Fourth, you absolutely must get it surveyed; the waterline can hide myriad disasters waiting to happen. Fifth, negotiate hard and don’t be scared to walk away; there are countless other boats for sale.
I think we’ll end up plumping for a classic. I would give you a clue as to which one, but as we may well be in mid-negotiation at the time this goes to press, I don’t want to risk jinxing the deal. Promise I will next week, though, if it’s all done and dusted by then.
Talking of boats, back to the Vauxhall. Only joking! Actually, for such a long car, having been extended by 55mm to 4.897 metres long, it’s really not that boaty at all. That said, by no means is it a Tarmac-hugger either. Perhaps more of Dutch barge if anything, a bit all out in front. Like there’s a small car hiding underneath a bigger car, hoping to sneak in with the big boys.
The steering felt a little overwhelmed at times, perhaps not helped by my having to focus on the loose and inadequate manual gearbox, which seemed a little at odds with the Insignia’s overarching ethos. This is a classic family limo/company rep fleet mobile and deserves the more lux-friendly automatic transmission also available. Why didn’t Vauxhall send me the right one to try?
Inside was lovely though. It’s absolutely massive in there, an accomplishment all the more impressive considering the roof line is one of those downwards sloping affairs, which look fab but often at the expense of rear passenger head room. Not with the Insignia – most grown-ups could sit back there with quiffs standing proud all the way from A to B.
The cabin trim is thoughtful but not fussy. For a car with a starting price of £23,000 (€27,000), there weren’t many downsides when it comes to modernity and quality. The only own-brand style product that really sticks out is the Seventies-style graphics on the infotainment screen. I’d love to say they are intentionally post-modern in a deconstructed, minimalist kind of way, but they just look ill and undernourished.
However, the (optional) head-up windscreen mph, speed-limit and ‘you’re about to crash and die’ alert display, which also encompasses comprehensive sat-nav instructions, was spot on. My biggest buyer-beware red flag goes to the boot hatch, so inefficiently balanced and heavy, I actually thought it might be faulty. It wasn’t, but your arms might be after a week or two opening and closing that damn thing. Never before has a tailgate been screaming out for electronic assistance more than this.
Other than that, the most befuddling aspect of this otherwise very commendable Vauxhall was the bordering-on-eccentric extras list that raised the price of my car to nearly £30,000 (€35,000). This included noise-reducing laminated side windows. Which is fine for the world’s Vauxhall-loving misanthropes, but far less useful than, say, extra soundproofing in the floor pan – the Insignia is not a naturally quiet car.
Nevertheless, this is a big shiny beast of a motor that is fairly economical to run and sports new sexy side scoops and an all-new go-faster iron-fresh crimp in the centre of the bonnet. If some or all of that sounds like it might float your boat then this could be the barge for you.
Okay, I may have been spending too many afternoons at the marina again. It’s that time of year. But, hey, come on, you only live once. All aboard!
In the meantime. Good car. Nice one, Vauxhall. Shame about that boot though. You’ll need arms like Popeye to open it... Sorry.