Beem ME UP!

A super-key with its very own TV screen. A cockpit full of unimaginable gadgets. And a car that absolutely flies. The future has arrived... in the shape of this new BMW

Before the UK general election result I would have guessed that, one way or another, Theresa May would have scraped back into Downing Street with a slightly improved majority. However, Jeremy Corbyn’s shock success has brought us dangerously close to armoured push bikes all round as that is the only vehicle I have ever seen him pictured in charge of.

The Labour leader was once rumoured to drive a threewheeled Reliant Robin but this later turned out to be the result of Chinese whispers about the original question: which car does Jeremy Corbyn most look like?

Maybe he doesn’t actually possess a driving licence. His only documented connection to roads that I could find is a fascination with manhole covers.

‘My mother always said there’s history in drain covers. I take pictures of them. People think it’s a little odd, but there we are.’ Indeed.

There is also zero photographic evidence of Mrs May behind the wheel of a car. Perhaps this is why so many politicians need drivers.

It’s nothing to do with security or efficiency but simply because most of them were so busy reading about Stalin and Disraeli in their younger days that the fact you could learn to drive yourself completely passed them by.

Anyway – having just about survived one of the most dramatic drubbings in British political history – Mrs May will retain her seat in the PM’s Jaguar XJ Sentinel, complete with its B7 level of ballistic protection.

That said, she does have a bit of previous where other marques of official government carriage are concerned.

While serving as British home secretary, her daily ride into London was a BMW 7 series, which she was then apparently forced to give up for the more patriotic Jag. This on the same day she was given the keys to Number 10. Not that there is an actual key to Number 10, as I’m sure you’re aware (there isn’t even a keyhole.) Unlike the brand new BMW, which possesses the biggest key of all time.

It is huge. And it’s heavy. Heavy like one of those breeze-block mobile phones from the early Eighties. Because, among other things, it has a television screen. Yes, the key.

And then there’s the technology, man. Heavy technology. Which means it can do things like park itself. Honestly, like Pierce Brosnan’s remote-controlled BMW 750iL in Tomorrow Never Dies. You can even take it for a walk. We did – it was hilarious. I think this super-key may also be the reason this fairly standard-looking 5 Series ends up costing just shy of €75k. It’s all about the key. Or perhaps not. Perhaps it’s because, while this motor may look like any old 5 series to the untrained eye, it is anything but. Inside is especially impressive (though having said that, a standard 5 series nowadays is pretty impressive).

For a start, there’s a new box of tricks somewhere under the dash controlling all of BMW’s new stateof-the-art graphics.

Symbols that appear as if by magic inform the driver of everything that’s happening on any road anywhere in the known universe.

It’s all very Tomorrow’s World. As is the most ergonomic gear stick you’ll ever lay your hand on. Such a basic feature but brilliantly crafted. It was so comforting to have and to hold, till death us do part.

As you have probably gathered, I rather enjoyed the cockpit of this latest monster from Munich.

Outside, it’s time to play spot the M Sport styling, which pitches this car subtly between the SE and brutish, all-out-insane M5. It’s subtle all right, a bit too subtle for my liking, and a bit too normal to get excited about, as I swoon over thoughts of one particular car gone by, that awesome Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio from a few months ago (I still want one; they’re still sold out).

The BMW’s old-man chrome grille is my least favourite bit on the Beemer. I’ve never been a fan of chrome grillles on sports cars – or on any modern car for that matter. They come over ever so Terry And June, ever so Sale Of The Century, ever so Austin Allegro.

When it comes to driving, however, it’s a whole different story. This car is more than happy as a sedate motorway-munching saloon and it has a massive range of 950km-plus per tank.

But then, as and when required, a mad blast is always available if you fancy throwing your weight around. With an all-new, all-aluminium chassis that is stiffer and lighter – the holy grail when it comes to improving handling – this car absolutely flies.

Select adaptive dynamic mode and you are cleared for take-off. And without quite such a catastrophic carbon footprint and price tag as that monster M5.

The other mod that made me smile was the automatic air freshener that makes the car smell better than most of its occupants.

Choose from flowery eau de toilette to macho Hai Karate. Whatever your poison, the 530d M will surreptitiously splash it all over. Beautiful – and four yeses out

‘YOU CAN EVEN TAKE IT FOR A WALK. WE DID. HILARIOUS!’

of four from this week’s panel.

Right, quickly afore ye go. More breaking news re the fact there are very few images of any postwar British prime ministers actually driving themselves anywhere.

This is because they were effectively banned from doing so for security reasons in the early Fifties.

Before this, however, Winston Churchill stars in my top three PM petrolhead snaps in one of his collection of iconic series 1 Land Rovers.

My second favourite is Clement Attlee being driven around the campaign trail by his car-mad wife Violet in their glorious Humber Pullman.

And top of the shop, grocer’s daughter Margaret Thatcher, who in 1986, was described as looking like ‘a cross between Isadora Duncan and Lawrence of Arabia’.

Why? Because while visiting a British army base in Germany, she got behind the controls of a Challenger Tank, wearing a pale silk headscarf.

Oh, and while she was at it, she fired a 6lb shell at a 1,000 yard target and scored a direct hit. Remind you of anyone?

No, me neither.