ESME SAYS...

I LOVE my mother but going to Magaluf with her was beyond humiliating. The first thing I did when I got to the hotel was separate the twin beds because she can snore like a hippo.

And any hope that she might spare my blushes evaporated when we hit the Strip. Random people kept coming up and saying they recognised her from her TV days. Then they would ask me ‘Why are you with your mum?’

There were PRs from the bars trying to drag us in, offering us free shots, and a fishbowl cocktail for a fiver. It would have been brilliant.

As for the pool party, it was cringeworthy. All she did was grumble non-stop, about disgusting things that could be in the water. Obviously if I had been with my friends I would have gone crazy. The craziest it got with mum was putting glitter on our faces and me going on the water flume. On the way home we walked on the beach and there was a group of good-looking boys. I might as well have been invisible with mum by my side. She got more attention. People were photobombing her as they all knew who she was.

Sunday night was our big night. We had planned to go to the UV party at the Carwash nightclub. Mummy dressed as if she were going for dinner at a posh restaurant. Worse was to come. The idea is that, when you go in the club, you’re covered in paint. She was absolutely not expecting it. She looked like a fluorescent sea monster. It was so funny.

Then she started ‘mum dancing’, standing there with her arms wobbling in the air, trying to be cool. I was like, ‘I don’t know you. At all.’

There are loads of things I love doing with my mum, but going to Magaluf is not one of them. I will never be doing it again. Ever. No way. Sorry mama!