10 WAYS TO BREAK DUBLIN

No need to split the capital in two — just follow these guidelines to end Super Blues’ dominance

NOTHING quite summed up the sense of despair which enveloped the football world last Sunday evening than Colm O’Rourke’s attempt to fly an old kite. We don’t blame him, though. After a summer where we were teased by the prospect of Mickey Harte unveiling a cunning plan that would return democracy to our football fields, it turns out that it was all based on an intelligence report garnered from Joe Brolly when the latter happened to look in over a Ballybofey wall while on his summer jollies five years ago.

Faced with a century of Dublin domination, O’Rourke did his Royal County damndest to suppress his inner Gobnait O Lunasa, but with the sight of 26 Dublin footballers a-dancing and 60,000 Dubs a-laughing, it was all too much.

‘Dublin should be split in two,’ he suggested, but those words were hardly out of his mouth when he probably realised that what was once a strategic report recommendation is now an old comedic catch-line, a first cousin of ‘what do you think of that Joe Brolly?’

It was a fatal error, because no matter how rooted in logic a suggestion may be, the first duty of any self-respecting pundit is to be original at any cost.

It is with that in mind that this week we bring to you 10 new ways to put an end to the domination of the Super Blues.

1 FLIP THE BENCH

Jim Gavin’s ostentatious display of wealth last weekend extended to keeping two Footballers of the Year rooted for the entire match and introduce Diarmuid Connolly so late that he did not even get a kick of the ball.

In future, Dublin should be made play their nine-man bench and their starting fifteen should be made watch like the rest of us. It could reduce their winning margin in Leinster to single digits.

2 PEOPLE POWER

They are the best supporters in the land and since their flag has been taken away they have nothing to play with so the Dublin County Board should place the care of the team with the knowledgeable denizens of Hill 16.

On the evidence of last week, Eric Lowndes might thrive under such a communal management structure while Dermo is likely to see regular game-time in the O’Byrne Cup.

3 CLICHÉ COUNTER

As riveting as Dublin are on the field, they don’t engage as much off it but that can be put to use.

A handicap system should be introduced so that they are deducted one point for every player on the opposing team that Jim Gavin namechecks in pre-match press conferences, a ‘soft tissue injury’ comes with a three-point deduction and any reference to ‘the process’ means that they get to play against the wind in both halves. They’ll be in Division Four in no time.

4 NEW FORMAT

A radical restructuring of the inter-county competition format would see the scrapping of the Allianz League, provincial Championship and All-Ireland series. In their place, Dublin would take on a Rest of Ireland selection to be known as The Lions in a 33-round (not forgetting London and New York) round-robin with a game played in each county ground. The Lions will wear the jersey of the host county. The top two teams in the group will play each other in the final.

5 CROKE PARK EXTRA

Dublin’s occupation of Croke Park has created some bad will but the GAA shall respond by building a full size replica of the stadium in every county so everyone gets to play in it all the time. Expensive but this is already underway with the first prototype rolled out in Cork. Drogheda is next.

6 LETS MOVE

In a reversal of the rural resettlement scheme, the rest of the country to up sticks and decamp to Dublin citing lack of economic opportunity and lack of access to the Super 8’s. Oldest trick in the book; if we can’t beat them lets join them.

7 McGREGOR THE REMATCH

On the basis that he is a Crumlin boy who has never been coached in the game but has developed his own unique kicking style, Conor McGregor to announce that he is to represent Dublin in next year’s Championship. The pressers would be fierce craic.

8 RESTARTS

Stephen Cluxton to fetch his own balls for kick-outs and be forced to take them while blindfolded. 9 CODE CHANGER

On the grounds that they leave so little room for pundits to negatively comment that they are shamed into saying positive things about a football team, they should be banished to their natural environment… the hurling Championship.

10 WORTHY OPPONENTS

They should be made play a team who have shown no fear when taking them on before and who are blessed with ambition, manned by warriors and fuelled by resilience.

Oh, that’s right…